April 9, 2013
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I guess since I am in therapy and sober, I should use this as a sort of journal for my frustrations.
In therapy today we agreed I have issues regulating relationships--- I go from hello to I love you, then when it becomes suffocating I go as far away as possible. I knew it already, but Bruce (my therapist) said I need to be okay alone. I have to enjoy my own company first. The next few days should be really difficult to resist the running back to the bad problems because I feel lonely or unloved.. I used to (and I guess still sorta do) have a stash of guys from my past that still ached for me, one text and they would spill how gorgeous I was to them and smart, etc. The sweet talk is my thing. I know I have to stop that-- this whole idea of instant gratification... when I was using I remember I went through a week of WDs and watched the movie Sucker Punch. I love(d) the opening and ending quotes, the music, not so much the fighting stuff but whatever. I felt stronger. And the day I got money to pay back to my dealer who fronted me my mother (who had taken care of me the whole week) had to come with me (she also knew most of my dealers) and she warned me not to have her slip something in the car for me. I was actually one step smarter and put a hundred bucks in the envelope from the bank plus 20 to come and put pills in my window since it faced the stairs. Then that was it- I got my money and felt invincible, but again I couldn't be alone, I flew one of my ex's in, instead of studying I bought and read the entire walking dead comic series-- which was later stolen from me by one of the guys that was my fuck buddy. So I bring up Sucker Punch because there is a song on the soundtrack that is a mash up of a rapper and queen... "You got what I want and I need it right now give it to me baby I don't care how," was how I felt. I felt like a baller, yeah lame word but hey its true. to the point that I paid for stupid shit-- it was all instant gratification, I slept with who I wanted to when I wanted to, I splurged on clothes and an obnoxious amount of shoes, not thinking gee I have to haul all this shit across the country. I just spent wads of money over and over again until I got here... Yeah I spent about $50k on my mom/the move, $15k given to my aunt/grandmother who didn't deserve it... and some other reasonable things but its true... when my mom was here finding a place and the ex I flew in didn't like me getting high that way, he legit walked out on me even though I paid for his airfare for three days later.. we haven't spoke since which is fine with me, he was the last ex I ever thought of spending time with...
Anyway, back to the present. I need to stop searching for instant gratification whether it is shopping, using, sleeping around (even with my latest ex) and spend some time fixing me. Its been a long time coming. When I told my therapist how I was so disappointed that a year ago I--- he stopped me dead in my tracks, didn't let me finish and said, "You Are Here." Maybe I should write a book called that.
"I want to believe in more than you and me, all I can do is keep breathing,"- Ingrid Michaelson. She also does the "Be Ok" song (thats the title of the album too I think) which really is what I am doing.
I have been holding it together a lot more than I was Sunday, even better than Monday, and had a really productive Tuesday. Sometimes I think about it and judge myself harshly, not falling apart shouldn't be a great accomplishment in comparison to other things I have earned, but I guess right now that is all I can hope for.
Anyway, going over to Branden's to get my laptop and some other stuff he kept making moves on me and I just looked at him like he asked me if I wanted to eat a shit sandwich. (hahaha) He started talking about job hunting and sorta warned me he is looking for jobs in Charlotte too... then told me he knew what I was going to say to that.. immediately my inner monologue said, "Why should I care??"
I showed up a really hot pharmisist today too which was funny. But no, I need to focus on me. (Insert M83, "Midnight City")
My body feels better since I cut out eating all that crap with Branden. And of course, the bleach. No comment.
I have to really accept the stupid things about my mom that bug me and realize she is doing me a huge favor. Though it turns me into being her bitch-- literally. I am ok. I have control, for the most part, of me and my life. I like having my cats around even though the end of the week will wind up bringing the fun part of having cats with a hamster, whenever I bring Mr. Charlie home.
I know I got up early but I am pretty tired. I am going to try to start small with the exercising, at least getting it going so I also feel better so I'm going to do that when I am done here.
I'm the queen of tangents, but its nice having a place to vent, or discuss my random thoughts/frustrations, etc.
Over and Out I suppose.
- Katie
Comments (1)
Xanga has got to be the best journal ever. I don't know if you have considered it, but when I was the therapy I recorded my thoughts, feelings and what I learned in a private post. Worked great. I hope things start to go your way and look up for you. I hope you don't mind my footprints.
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