July 22, 2015

• Dead Sea

  road trip to Loveland, CO today with Matt, Steph and Amanda to pick up Seth and bring him back to the Springs for a day.

  The more time I spend with Matt, the more the love I have for him grows. I appreciate the smaller things like him coming out to check on me when I went to sleep on the couch in the living room.

  My mind lingers on memories of last summer. David was and always will be the handful of sand; once the grains run through your fingers they never will be in the same order again. Like the crumpled page, it can't ever be the way it once was. That love was deep but sharp, ripping me apart for years. Instead this love feels like so much more; ten thousand leagues under the sea kind of deep. I can tell when he loves me for my mind, for my sense of humor, or when he looks at me in the middle of the night when I'm stoned or tired as all hell, no make up and tells me I am beautiful. And in those moments I feel safe and believe him.

  And he never waivers.

  I remember sitting across the table from David in the restaurant that replaced Friday's in Desert Ridge, some stupid over priced Irish pub style place... and how he was able to look me dead in the eye and tell me if he was hooking up with Emily he wasn't going to stop even though I really dragged my entire life back across the country for him. Doing shots when I can't stand alcohol just to numb him out. How he pushed me too far.

  He always loved himself more than he ever could love me. But when Matt looks at me it is so clear that all he wants is to see me happy.

  I'm never sure how to define happy. I went a full 24 hours with no opiates and only mild sickness but it mixed with a cold so who knows. I know part of me is trying to push this addiction away because I really want to have a life. Finish my Masters. Get married. Have children.

  When Matt wraps his arms around me I can feel how strong he is, even if he never sees himself that way. I feel safe and like I'm finally somewhere I belong. And for the first time in my life I feel like I am ready to do anything I can to hold onto this beautiful, fragile, fickle thing called love. This is not mediocre. It is everything I have been dreaming of and wishing for. I wish he could see himself through my eyes. I'm sure he feels the same about me. We both might get sad, depressed, sleepless, cranky... but we have each other and it feels like a real partnership.

  I've never really been religious, I've mainly been of the mindset that "everything happens for a reason" and maybe I finally found why my path took me in this direction, for better or worse. I know I was so lost without him.

  I close my eyes and I can picture that day, the dust storm, The Lumineers album, shared ear buds. "You told me I was like the dead sea, finest words you ever said to me, you'll never sink when you are with me,"... instead, I drowned... and Matt scooped me up and did CPR in just enough time to save my life.

  • 2:47 am
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