yep, I cried through the memorial for MJ and I don't care what anyone wants to say, he was a humanitarian first and foremost. He really reminded me of the love I grew up with, the kind of family that doesn't teach prejudice and hate, but to work hard at what you do no matter what it is and love life. Always give to charity and help others, that's what my nana taught me and I love her more than anything.

then after talking to the wonderful Mr.Cross my mom and I plugged my Ipod into her car which has a seven speaker sound system and drove around with the windows down in 114 degree heat, blasting the essential Michael Jackson collection.

Later...I was happy listening to more of MJ's best music and talked to Mr. Cross some more (and... oh wait, he just called me again horray) and took this picture.

you know, I'm fuckin happy. Like... really, unexpectedly, mind-bloggling-ly happy.
I am so glad that things are working out...

ahhhhhhhhhhh!

I have done it.

I am finally writing again. I'm writing a fucking awesome story and I've been writing for a couple of hours now. I've got 12 pages, 6678 words and a kick ass plot.
If you'd like to read it, message me and I'll send it since I don't want to post it due to people who like to steal work from Xanga... its happened before, it will happen again...

thanks to Ky for being my reader
and Josh for getting the creative juices flowing for me again. love you both so much!

there are a thousand song lyrics that describe love... "Where you are, that's where I want to be and through your eyes are all the things I want to see". there are dozens more I can think of to list here at this moment but nothing I find is doing justice to you. it has nothing to do with when or how or why.. but who. who you are that is so unbelievably indescribably beautiful that my brain scrambles to process how I spent this long away from you.

the thing is, I am the most inpatient girl in the world.. but I want to wait. I want to get this right. I have never wanted something more in my entire life than this. And as I write this little tears start to well up in my eyes and I close them tightly, knowing that if you were here you'd kiss them all away. there is a part of you that has always understood a part of me that no one else ever got. you get me... and I get you. and nothing else really matters.

I have never been one to be a perfectionist but I am so scared to fuck this up. In the process of that I am learning to be a better version of me that I never expected to emerge.

I just remember how good it felt to hold your hand.

so.. I decided to watch dateline with my mom last night, which was about Michael Jackson.. I have been a big fan since I can remember... I remember being really small and seeing the premier of "Black or White" on Fox 5 after the simpsons and how amazing it was... So anyway, after we watched the 2 hour special, they showed snipits of the documentary, "Living with Michael Jackson" and I wanted to see it for myself. I then proceeded to YouTube where I found a playlist of an HD Quality copy of the documentary... I got to part 6/9 and couldn't watch any more... of course I had some songs stuck in my head after that.. I then got the bright idea to watch the special I taped called, "the King of Pop; an MTV tribute to the King of Music Videos" or something to that extent.. then when they didn't play all I had hoped to hear, I turned on my ipod and went nuts with my greatest hits...then I couldn't fall asleep and it was like 2am--- nothing was on TV so I turned to Southparkstudios.com and hit random. What episode came up? The Jeffersons.

By the time I fell asleep at 3 am, I, of course, had a very weird dream about MJ.

The freaky part of the dream was that it included Paris Hilton, my dead grandparents, my mom, the campus of UNLV, a major car crash, some amazing pastries, odd documents, President Obama, my mother teaching to students in Iraq, and a tunnel that could transport you thousands of miles in mere seconds that was explained to me as something they invented 200 years in the future, then realized how useful it would be back in the day, people then built a time machine and installed the new teleportation system...

I ask myself, what the fuck was on my mind that mixed together to make this kind of cluster fuck of a dream?

What's cool about my mother is... if I tell her the entire long dream (and yes I can have very long, lucid dreams and remember them thanks to my antidepressant) she will be able to identify almost everything in my dream and tell me what parts of the conversation or the day they came from, even if I can't figure it out.

Oh, and "Don't trust the chicken!"

in other news... though I know this is one of my posts that won't get any comments due to its length, yesterday I realized that I am feeling such a plethora of feelings that I have never really fully felt before... I'm starting to love myself, and like it or not... I am head over heals, retardedly and undisputedly very much in love with Josh Cross. He might not like it, but he is the cheese to my mac, the lace to my shoe, the peas to my carrots. He's the icing on the cake of life haha... and last night it dawned on me that I really want to make myself a better person because regardless of all my shit, he loves who I am right now... and that in itself has made me realize how far up my ass I've had my head for the last few years. Of course I'm a good person, now its time for me to start making myself feel like the kick ass person I've been all along. Its time to start doing the things I love that make me happy again, rather than doing things to make someone else happy.

He's coming to visit me in less than two weeks but if I had enough money to get there, I'd be on my way already just to tell him he is the coolest fucking human being on the planet and I would make him a really big poster saying so, if he so desired. haha. I'm nuts. What can I say?

currently stuck in my head is Kimya Dawson, "You Love Me".

I've got a long road to walk towards where I want to be, but I have faith in myself that I can get there... and make amazing magic along the way.

happy 4th.

p.s. my head just spontaneously combusted with happiness.

its your voice I want to hear singing me to sleep... its your finger tips I want to feel lightly tracing the lines of my body. in 12 more days, it will happen. we will finally come together like puzzle pieces, long lost at the bottom of a giant box filled with mismatches. My body is starting to crave you.... I can't wait to taste the sugar sweet bliss that will pour out from your lips after you say hello.

there's no one who can make me laugh the way you do.

for my #1 (Souledout)

through a wireless connection, my heart pulses. your voice on the phone feels like a warm summer rain wrapping each inch of my skin with velvety kisses. we might just be two weeks away from sheer bliss or disaster, but its Monday and I have so much to do. there are butterflies in my chest but my head is warning me to stay grounded.

rearranging furniture is always refreshing. here feels more like home, but here is an odd reminder of what it is like to be alone. I have to learn to appreciate my own company again. All this space is mine to use but I don't know what to do with it. I really don't have anything to worry about, so my credit cards are down the drain.. but everything else is paid for. All I need to do is get school straight. Get my head straight.

I don't have the drive to read anything at the moment. Nor to get up and work on my art.

time will heal stubborn wounds but until then I think the sunshine will do just fine.
not particularly in the mood to do anything at all. finding a job is a little harder than anticipated.

chapter closed. stomach hurts.

some days I get this feeling in the pit of my stomach where I want to sell anything I can for gas money so I can drive to California. There is not one particular place in mind (though I have a person in mind I'd love to share it with) but just so I can sit at the beach for a while. I want to just.. sit there, all day, all night... and watch the ocean for a little while. there are certain songs that make the feeling grow significantly. I sat by the pool and soaked in the sun for a while this morning. Day dreaming about the coast, realizing that my life is at a very special turning point. I know that I have been and still am in love with one particular person (Josh) but right now I need to be alone. I need to do things alone and enjoy them. I'm learning to breathe on my own again and it's nice but new and strange.

"I've been afraid of changing cause I built my life around you, but time makes you bolder"

I never thought I'd quote that song, my mom played it to death when I was a kid.
its hard for me to think about the past, even as recently as a couple of months ago or as long as five years ago. I am so different now that looking back I wonder why I made certain choices. I guess that happens to everyone.

sugar and spice
and everything nice
I want to candy-coat this
though the first bite was
a little too bitter
for your perfect lips
milk-chocolate brown
eyes that looked inside my head
my heart
and reflected whipped-cream
fluffs of passing clouds
my hands shake
thinking of what it felt like
with your fingers sliding
in between mine
snow angels in my brain
on 101 degree days
your skin a sensory memory
to dive into uncharted bliss
the slightest taste
of sincerity and struggle
from an unreachable kiss
takes my breath away