January 4, 2011

• So I've been feeling more and more like myself. Last night an old friend-with-benefits texted me. He moved down the block from me. We were sleeping together and had amazing chemistry for two and a half months and then Halloween season was in swing. I got the job at the haunt and he was working 2 jobs and going to school. With my interning and my interests in the guys I was working with, we decided to end it but remained friends. He fell for an old flame back home in Wisconsin and when I broke up with the first guy from the haunt, I texted him and asked if we could hook up again. He said he was going to try to stay true to her and go home to see her over Christmas. I respected him, moved on to Mr. Big Mistake (David/Jester) and Tim went on with life. That girl wound up to be engaged to another guy and he had the pleasure of finding out over the holidays, then he got laid off of one of the two jobs. I guess I wasn't the only one who had a shitty December. Anyway, he told me about moving closer and asked if he could come spend the night. I told him I wasn't really able to have sex but he could come over if he wanted to watch a horror movie.

  He said yes and showed up at like 11. We smoked and talked and laughed. I remembered who I was before the stupid haunt drama and felt more comfortable in my own skin. I told him what happened and he understood which was cool, and told me he wouldn't mind waiting until I felt ready again. We kissed and cuddled and laughed. He ran his fingers along my collar bone, my neck and chest... it felt good to feel alive again. Especially because I got to laugh and be myself. 

  My insurance is still not back and I have to put off this shoulder surgery again. I'm pretty sure I am going to ditch it all together (again) and just try to find a job. I'm tired of being at home. I'm still talking to my first boyfriend, Brian, and working on our friendship as well. I still feel like when its all said and done, he probably is the man I should marry. He understands me better than anyone else and after all of these years we have this odd gravitational pull towards each other.

  I went to planned parenthood today and got my official empty uterus ultrasound. Everything went well and I felt like a zillion pound weight was off my shoulders. I also was told I can have sex as soon as I am ready. I started the pill again and got a bunch of condoms. No more stupid sex, regardless of who its with it won't be unprotected until I'm married. I learned a huge lesson.

  But my libido has come back and Tim is going to come sleep over again this week. I'm sincerely excited about it- he makes me feel normal again. He reminds me I don't have to have a relationship, I don't have to be a slut, I can really just be me and work on my shit first and foremost. I'm sort of glad it wound up this way after all.

  I'm even feeling good enough to listen to up beat music andddd dance around my room. I'm a goober, I know.

   

  • 11:57 pm
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