I have turned my dining room area into my office/artist/reader space with my husband's help as I have worked from home for the majority of the last two years and have been developing my psychic medium/tarot reading business. This space has one L shaped desk which faces the back of our home. This first desk is my primary desk; when I worked from home for brands like the WWE Shop and AEROPOSTALE using this desk. In the opposing corner, a second desk is set up with a velvet table cloth, crystals, a smudging kit, a small lamp shrouded in the hazy grey of some long-forgotten silk scarf. At some point, my husband decided to mount a 42' plasma screen on the wall to be used as an alternative screen. He searched during the pandemic and actually did go out in public to find the thunder cable from apple that would be necessary to connect this massive screen (which would then be displaying what I was doing on my lap top for um anyone in the entire house to see at all times... hmmm...) When he finally got it all set up, we realized that I did have a working USB mouse but not a USB keyboard. This meant that in order to actually use the laptop connected to the big screen, one using the laptop cannot lower the screen in such a way to effectively make use of the big screen. But my post isn't a complaint about technology, for the record. I am setting the stage, motherfucker.

This means every time I am working on my laptop sitting at that desk (since that is where I am set up for pretty much everything I use my computer for) I end up sitting in my office with the lowest light on (I am pretty sure I also have sensory issues, its not just my HFA hubbster) which is a little light clipped up on the shelf with my WWE Raw Women's championship replica title belt, which sits right above that big plasma tv previously mentioned.

So sitting with the laptop on the desk, the plasma tv just sits on the wall behind my laptop screen, turned off... not a problem, right? It isn't really a problem but something more curious...

The lighting allows me to constantly and pretty clearly see my own reflection sitting at the desk.
As I get deeper into learning more the ancient ways of the tarot and, of course, pair that with the stories from Alice in Wonderland since my business is Rabbit Hole Tarot (rabbitholetarot.com)

I read about things referencing through the looking glass multiple times a day... and I just sat here thinking, what if this is my version of a looking glass? Why am I being confronted with myself in this way?

its funny, in that reflection I notice myself now.. my hair clean, straight, barely kissing the tops of my shoulders. No extensions. In this reflection, it doesn't look bad or even close to as hideous as I had been feeling it looked once I started to lose it from stress.

I then start to look at her a little closer at the young lady sitting there. I decide to step outside of myself, pretend this woman sitting there isn't me. I decided to look her over as objectively as I can, this could be fun right?

Then as soon as I look at her and see that she actually has a REALLY pretty face, I realize I am blushing.

So here I am, making my last stand for my own goddamned sanity.

I am a good person.
I can figure this out.
PleasePleaseItsTooHardPleaseMakeItStop

Who am I? I guess I am meant to get to know her now.

https://youtu.be/vsRXR1SJCHs

So... four hours in, please make all the jew jokes you like.
I never realized that being Jewish is one of the greatest gifts I could have received, go figure.

Up the rocky trail
Already dizzied by the smell of you
As my mind tried focusing on each step
one in front of the other
Thinking about your fingers
Running so softly through my hair
And I knew you could feel my lips ache
For just one brief, simple kiss
But I followed you there
A little alcove in the mess of trees
And you sat back in the dust
And pulled me between your legs
Looking up at that smile
Like a million stars in the night sky
Breathtaking yet calm
Leaning back you wrapped your arms around me
And the silence of the canyon
Swept across us slowly
Each breath bittersweet sonnets
If only my heart could reach the distance
The sun setting quickly
A kiss finally mine
My fingers laced with yours
Life seemed to be blooming with possibilities
I wanted to scream and let the noise echo
Let the secret pour from my veins
I've fallen desperately in love with you
But just like my way up the trail
This will take baby steps to reach my summit
Or will you destroy me before my eyes
May reach the beautiful horizon line?

For more than a decade I have been burying my head in the sand with drugs. It has caused me nothing but pain and serious consequences. I have decided that there are many things I would accomplish during my 30th year on Earth and here are some big and some small goals:

1. write more
2. take better care of my mother
3. use moderation
4. become a better active listener. AND ACTUALLY LISTEN TO WHAT PEOPLE ARE SAYING not what you think they might "mean".
5. do more art
6. (and yes these are obvious) get a good job
7. get a car
8. get a cell phone of my own
9. work out a payment plan with ASU to be able to get my transcripts to start a new program.
10. research other universities that might not need my B.S. transcripts for admission
11. get a bank account locally
12. work on my credit
13. continue to lose weight
14. become a more logic based person vs. emotionally based person.
15. seek counseling
16. complete my deferred sentence (community service, fines, etc)
17. create a personal and household budget (what is my portion of the bills)
18. start saving
19. Make a plan to move (in or out of state)
20. work on myself before trying to find a relationship. FWBS are fine, but nothing more.

These are just some of my thoughts as once again my insomnia plagues me.

I'm going nowhere
but I'd like to escape
This mess, this torture
public humiliation
If only I could explain
I just want a deep, dark hole
some place to hide until its finished
I want to be able to sleep at night
this is just a figure 8
looping back around to the same
problems, shit, redundancy
at its finest
I can barely move
this spot is warm and safe
unbuckled my seat belt
smoked cigarettes until I choked
until there wasn't a single one left
There isn't enough
and there isn't really any
The last bit was consumed
why can't I be left alone?

His tongue darted in my mouth
As if he were trying to push the words down
Shove each vowel down my throat
Underestimating my gag reflex
And nothing felt right
Nothing felt good
This is terribly forced
And we are awful actors
Lying to each other just to hold on
This will all be over soon

I'm always counting chickens
Before the eggs are even laid
Now I don't have a thing to my name
A borrowed phone, one last pack of smokes
Not sure where I'll get another from
Singing the blues
I cry myself to sleep at night
I wait until your breathing steadies
and I know you are completely out
and then I touch your face softly
Trying to tell myself it will be okay
Because of you
and then the next day I watch
as tears well up in his eyes
feeling the whole weight of the world
aching for what he has lost
and I try not to ache for what I will lose
I'm not stupid, I know this can't last forever
(Why do all good things come to an end?)
Waiting for the other shoe to drop
Just piles on the anxiety
But I can't blame his naivety
When I was 18 I thought I'd spend forever with someone else
And at 22, and 26
the sad, unrelentless truth is everyone dies alone
Everyone usually suffers alone
And there is more of the world for him
And I'm afraid, just one ticket
So I'll stay behind and someday lick my wounds
When he does move on
If you could read my mind
I'm trying to turn this all around
Stuck on a carousel of problem after problem
I don't even mind any more
I'll just tackle it one thing at a time

How to we quantify things? By measuring them against other known constants but my question is, who quantified those? Where did we come up with things like,"That's a football field away"? And love, the most important thing of all is just one of the many things in the universe that cannot be quantified, it is fluid and liquid at the same time. It is a feeling, a rush, maybe crushing in your chest, maybe making your face muscles hurt from smiling so much... Then there is the hunt for the person that can make you feel that way. "Are you my soul, my heart, my demon in the dark, pull everything apart, are you gonna be my love?"- Shark, Oh Wonder. Then what do we do when we have this feeling and the other person becomes distant, is it just over? When do we draw a line in the sand... lord knows I have never been good with that shit, I usually draw the line then jump over it and run for the hills. We try to make all of these pretty little things in life; paintings, knick-knacks, add a personal touch to everything like our phones or computers. What makes us special? What makes there be more to this.. living day by day paycheck to paycheck

Snow falls still on the valley
Underscoring tragedy and joy
Lay me down, let my heart slow
Use your instruments
Pull it out, make it beat
The box is locked
And it holds the key
Broken splinters on the floor
Exit wounds and sarcastic smiles
Tear apart every memory
Of men and boys alike
Who crushed me endlessly
Now I watch what I say
"I love you" is just a pacifier
You're going to leave someday
and I'm tired of pretending you won't
I keep vomiting cliches
Spit out all the words
Anything everyone wants to hear
Understanding that there really is nothing
I am nothing but a puppet on a string
Fine me a nice little bubble
So you can observe me obey
These chains are too heavy anymore

Bad sneakers and a pina collata my friend
when the days were so much more simple
a joint, a glass of wine
good music and backgammon
before my heart was ever opened
before so many men could tear it apart
bold lies, open thighs, heavy breathing
now he wants to protect me
in tears he apologized for my past
all the hurt and blood and sweat
as the snow slowly falls
I crave holding him in my arms
I crave home, but that doesn't exist
(except when I am with him)
understated agony
crumbling slowly each day
pain covers me like a wet blanket
then I realize I need warm gloves
just to get the words out
but we live in a beautiful world
filled with dark corners
heaven and hell just meaningless words
I've seen the bottom of the pit
I've crawled down the rabbit hole
and now I am left with nothing