Too bad last month's post didn't last.

I let the money buy me meds until I hit 24, and 300mg of percocet a day without breaking a sweat.

Then my money, my script, and my supplier(s) ran out. And I went through fucking hell.

Day 4 of detox I actually slept through a night without any narcotics at all.

We didn't have anything to ween me off with either. Someone close by my apartment finally offered to front but before he would, he said, "These people are animals. You're dropping so much money on this shit. Kick this shit while you have a chance, aren't you about to graduate college?" 

The conversation went on, "I'm a terrible drug dealer cause trust me baby girl this is how I make my living, but I don't wanna see you lose it over this shit. Could you do that to your mom?"

And I couldn't. So I said thank you and passed. I could've grabbed the car keys and gone so fast, she never would've known. And I'm pretty fucking proud of myself that I said no. Happy 24th birthday to myself, and happy 51st birthday to you mom. 

Last night I spent time to remember why I'm letting shit from so many years ago hurt me. Its because Lance was my real first love, not Brian, and reading my book-- shit its actually available on itunes believe it or not, and I really would like to know where I get my royalties from? haha I spent $4.99 to get a copy of my own work back... anyway.. its because of everything we went through together. "Giving up's not an option, or givin in".

So I guess I have finally joined the fight to save my own life from this shit even though it hurts, even though last night was the first night I slept more than 2 hrs or less at a time, this morning I'm not sweating or writhing in pain-- but don't get me wrong my stomach pain that started this shit post-op gallbladder is there. 

I listened to some music, watched the movie Juno-- that was when I knew I loved you more than anything in the entire world, when we saw that together, and I put you away. 

"What doesn't kill you makes you stronger, stand a little taller- doesn't mean I'm lonely when I'm alone. What doesn't kill you makes a fighter, walk a little lighter..doesn't mean I'm over cause you're gone.. just me, myself and I"....

I haven't done things I like in forever- like painting, drumming, dancing. I think I can start to live again now.

"Sometimes it last in love but sometimes it hurts instead,"

I watch Teen Mom and Teen Mom 2, not going to lie-- its just interesting for me to look at other people's drama.

I spent the last week in a haze of drugs after getting t-boned a week ago. I got some money and blew it really fast on a binge and woke up two days ago thinking that this isn't a life I want.

The biggest part of why I do these things is because I have been trying to hide behind them to avoid the pain of the last 5, going on 6 years.

I miss Katie. I know a lot of people do-- when I used to write all the time, when I had dreams and aspirations that weren't focused on figuring out how to get medication... So after a few days of clearing my head I've made the decision to change courses, back to the right one.

 "Someone like you" by Adele that really gets me.

It makes me think of Lance, and his changed profile picture to him with a girl, his changed phone number... I can't even find out if he got the package I sent a few months ago. "I had hoped you'd see my face and you'd be reminded that for me, it isn't over"... but its time. Its time a lot is over; time for me to take the pain-- including the HUGE amount of pain from big incidents (grief and loss) and tie them up with little bows before storing them in the back of my mind and my heart. 

If not, I'm going to die like this. I'm carrying around 5 years of pain, anger, sorrow, etc. and it isn't realistic. I spent money on art supplies for the first time today instead of pills. That makes me proud of myself, and sad at the same time. Regardless, I am going to keep my head up.