January 10, 2011

  • so it was a rough week. My mom was supposed to drive me to my doctor's appointment but didn't and because I was crying over my cat, the PA wanted to put me on a 10 day psych hold. I explained I had been sitting and thinking over things all alone the entire time they kept me waiting, but it didn't seem to matter to him. He told me if I didn't show up the next day to see the doctor that I would no longer be a patient. I was then on my way out warned by a nurse that they were going to involuntarily take me away if I did come back and it would be better to just not show up. I don't understand why-- I wasn't suicidal or wanting to hurt others, I was just sad over how the last 90 days of my life have been.

    I spent time with some friends and did a lot of sleeping. Lance and I spoke for the first time in months, he sent me pictures of Shmee and his condolences about Bubba. He explained he needed his space to move on and thus we couldn't talk on a regular basis. I said I understood.

    I spoke to Brian over the phone from Afghanistan. I had taken some xanax that night just to try and get some rest so I don't remember the entire conversation except for that he got really sweet at the end and told me he loved me very much. 

    Chester began talking to me again also upon finding out that my cat passed. He came and slept over just as friends and we watched a movie... it was awkward because he is still very much in love with me and tried cuddling me tight when we went to sleep. I was having none of it.

    Saturday night I was Tim was supposed to sleep over but I had gotten really tired and fell asleep waiting for him and then got a text that he was exhausted too. I woke up Sunday angry at life and at Lindsey for ignoring me and using me after I had been such a good friend, so I wrote her a message and told her what I really think-- it wasn't even that mean, it said I thought she was a great person with an excellent heart but her selfishness was unfair. She of course blew it out of proportion. I moved my furniture a little so my room looks better which made me feel like a new person. My mom and I watched TV and laughed as much as possible. We decided this will be my last semester here and we're going to move to Colorado Springs. When Brian gets out of the Army he wants to perhaps try again with me and even if a relationship with him is unsuccessful he has always been like family to me. Though I long for the ocean, I also am longing for the outdoors which I know will be beautiful there. I can switch my degree to the complete online program through ASU and move anyway.

    Tim actually did come over last night after all, had some pizza with me and we watched the movie Drag Me To Hell. It wasn't bad at all... we threw on the original version of Dawn of the Dead before bed and kissed. Something about it sucked. Him and I had such awesome chemistry just a couple of months ago. I guess it was because David kissed me exactly the way I had always wanted to be kissed. Every single time was dreamy and the world would fade away. Though I do not miss him at all, the kiss with Tim wasn't the way I wanted it to be. Maybe my libido isn't totally back yet but sex didn't even feel great (yeah there goes my resolution of being celibate but no worries protection was used) - there was nothing bad about it, he has an amazing body and I loved touching him, I enjoyed feeling him kissing me and touching me but there wasn't anything spectacular about it. Not the way it was when we had first met at least. I am wondering if its the meds I've taken lately, the hormones balancing out, or maybe I wasn't really ready to have sex again so soon. Anyway... he fell asleep and then I laid there thinking about it and decided to try again, to see if I could get excited enough but it fell flat. I let him fall back to sleep and wound up going to the kitchen and eating some ice cream with my mom (go figure right) before getting back in bed and watching tv as he snored. The best part of the whole thing was in the morning the room had gotten really cold and I asked him to cuddle with me-- him and I usually just sleep next to each other never really do the holding thing. And until we start to fool around we don't kiss, don't sit coupley- its really extremely friends only. Anyway he did and it seemed kind and sincere. That ten minutes made me feel better about the world and life and that some how even though this was not the man of my dreams and probably won't even be the man I get to see again for another week or more if that and most certainly won't be the man that holds me without me asking first, there is something about me worth taking the time to know and love and hold and make safe.

    Even though my day should've been spent doing personal things for me, I had to drive my mother to get her teaching license renewed. I got several phone calls and two job interviews- one for cashier/sales clerk at Massage Envy which would be awesome and then the other is a team member for a place called Pump it Up! Basically its a Discovery Zone type place for kid's birthday parties where everything is inflatable and awesome. They both sound good and it would be nice to have both to be honest because we need the money to save for this move. We are signing a 7 month lease so the move will most likely take place in August.

    We had to pick up Bubba's ashes today. They included a piece of plaster that before they creamated him, they made a little imprint of his paw for us and wrote his name next to it as a gift to us. When I saw this I broke down so hard- I knew it was his little paw and it hurt a lot. I haven't been able to eat since we picked it up, his nice little urn is sitting on our mantle and it sucks big time. My mother and I watched a few wedding shows-- I can't stand that she loves them and has gotten me into things like "Say Yes to the Dress" and "My Fair Wedding with David Tutera" but they are good shows and ultimately I try and ignore the wedding part and think mostly about my opinion of the fashion. She's gone back to her room though and my head hurts so now I'm left to decide what to do with the rest of my night.