January 16, 2011

  • A conversation between Chester and I this morning via Facebook chat:

     

    Me: I've also made some general good life decisions on changing my behavior patterns

    Chester: Oh yeah?

    even without medication I've become a lot calmer which is a good thing
    I hate to say it but Bubba dying centered me.
    Helped me come to terms with a lot of things and a lot of people quickly, including Lance.
    Because him and I finally spoke after like months of silence
    remember ******************** he doesnt ever really want to speak to me again because of it.
    Which is fine
    but I put a lot to rest

    Chester: Well that's good for you.

    Me: Look, there isn't much I can do to help you

    Chester:Seems like the last week and a half have just kicked ass for you.
    No I know.

    Me: except for remind you
    that you have the capability to help yourself.
    you don't need to be high school drop out forever. You can change things.
    If you want to go in, okay, I'll be there for you
    but if you have a job
    a steady one
    then couch hop.
    Save money
    Work hard
    don't buy beer
    or anything else for anyone
    care only about you
    because parents, life, friends, lovers; all prove one thing over and over again
    Only rely on yourself
    So I said to myself: I don't want this. I don't want this drama, I don't want these friends, I don't want this reputation, I don't want this heartache, I don't want to be broke or have to take the bus, I don't want to sacrifice walking in my own college graduation after years and years of hard work and honors
    What can I do?
    Well my mom can't find a job.

    so I need to do what Ive always done, work as hard as I can
    Chester is online.

    Chester: Like, well, you've always done.
    Me: 

    Exactly. Like I've always done. But this time not for anyone else.
    Not for my grandparents or my mother (partly for her but not really because I'm pretty sure we are coming to the point where she has to separate from me because I can stay here and make it and I want to)
    I'm doing this for me because I want to survive. Because I want to live life even if it comes with terrible pain- thats it.
    its stupid, but Ke$ha's lyric got me...
    I'm getting it exact hold one sec

    Ok.

    "I'm not asleep. I'm up for the fight. Into the magic- and I don't want the concrete. I am alive, (that) comes with the tragic"
    for some reason that really got me. (if you wanna listen to it its the Billboard mix of the song "Animal"
    its pretty.
    Also, her other song called "Crazy beautiful life"
    it starts with: "I'm in love alright with my crazy, beautiful life, with the parties, the distasters..." but it has a better point

    ...?

    (insert the whole song here)
    the point to that song: is at least we try
    so that's what is keeping me together- it might not help
    but, I'm not going down without a fight any more
    I've done it too many times, I've laid myself out for people to use, abuse, walk all over and Everyone including my own mother has done it and taken advantage of me
    so I choose now to live for Katie. Because there's a lot of good worth living for.
    and even I'm sitting here going: who the fuck thought I would EVER say something like that.
    Chester: I've always imagined it coming from you at some point.
    I took the bus to the mall and met Erin yesterday. While shopping Massage Envy called me back and offered me a second interview at 7 last night. I took it, kicked its ass and pending a background check (which my background is perfect) I've got the job. The manager was super cool and is excited to work with me. The place is only a 6 min bus ride away. I'm going to make this work.
    Rob never called or texted me after that night, which is confusing- He was so sweet and said he'd let me know. I didn't text again and two days later I called and it went straight to voicemail. Maybe he's been partying with his cousin. Either way he hasn't been home either... hopefully he will reappear and we can talk about what was up, if not it was nice to know that I do have the potential to go out with a man who will open doors for me and respect me.
    I got to play dress up at Erin's after the interview- I LOVE having a friend the same size as me it kicks ass, I've never had someone to trade clothes with before. Check out my facebook page for the awesome random dresses. 
    My 15 year old cat is giving up on life because Bubba has never returned. I'm really frustrated because he is fine physically and is just beyond depressed. I'm going to spend a boat load of money I don't have on either putting him down and breaking my heart again or putting him on antidepressants.
    Its alright, "When everything is wrong, we move along"