March 27, 2011

  • when I had him clearly I was fighting it. My soul knows that this is really necessary alone time. 

    I am starting to realize that after my abortion, I've been using drugs and sex/men in general to distract me from the pain. I've been holding on to shreds of a former existence because I miss who I was (buying an xbox 360 just because I wanted to play Left 4 Dead because I miss Lance-- but why do I miss someone who never appreciated me, abused and used me in every way possible... is it because I was a teenage girl and took what I got? And gave a lot of shit?)

    What happened to me? What happened to the me who loved to write, who used to spend time on art, listening to music... even the books I've been reading lately have curved with my life..

    "Wind in time
    Rapes the flower trembling on the vine
    Nothing yields to shelter it
    From above
    They say temptation will destroy our lives
    The never ending hunger"

     

    I really fear I have nothing to give. 

    Every time I feel like I am coming to some sort of cathartic breakthrough where I can really spit out what's going on and work on it without resorting to negative means, I wind up distracted... I just want to be a better version of me.

Comments (1)

  • The third paragraph, wondering what on earth happened to the old you, is exactly what I'm going through right now.  I, too, am going through a time of really needing to be alone and work on being happy for myself, instead of being happy that I have someone else.  It's sort of strange to look back and find the exact point that I stopped caring about the things I used to love.  I hope to find my way back to the me that I actually liked.  I wish you the best of luck in finding a better you :)

Comments are closed.

Post a Comment