April 15, 2011

  • My romance is falling flat.

    Mostly because I have to realize that this relationship isn't just dating Luke; its dating Luke and Jayden. 

    And as much as he seems perfect for me, he also seems like a Lance-in-Luke's clothing. Aka I can see how we would have heated arguments, I can see the seeds of drama waiting to be planted. I think we both aren't really engaging in the relationship for that reason as well, we sort of see we can push each other's buttons.

    I also feel it when we have sex. No one, and I mean no one has been able to do that to me in bed since I was with Lance. Its so hot, I have moments when we are hanging out and I just want to rip his clothes off. I also got a chess app for my ipod touch so I could practice because like grown ups after I crawled into bed with him the other morning, we went downstairs, had a cup of coffee and played chess.

    I went to bed early. I ended my toxic friendship with Jen and Chris, which was good. Upon telling Erin the truth she actually appreciated it and we're going to work on fixing our friendship. That means more to me than I realized. It was eating at me that he was stringing her along. 

    (this turpentine chaser's got kick)

    I don't even feel like getting dressed for school, I feel like a messy bun and sweats and not caring. My head isn't going to be in class; I'm in my own head right now trying to figure out what exactly that I want. 

    (all I want are vows of silence now) I've typed/said that lyric a million times but I don't really. I want to speak to Lance sometimes. I want some perspective on the past. Here we are, a week later. I wish I could make a mix from my past; something that would make for some good reflection this morning. I do feel like its a new start, but I'm not sure in which way. 

    My desire is to feel artsy, Ani Difranco - Swing

    To feel the Brooklyn in my veins. To ride the train. Here it comes, the sincere desire to be... me again.

    to forget wanting a man or a family or anything but my paint brush.