April 28, 2011

  • Laying in bed today with Luke and his son Jaden as they played xbox and we had pillow fights, I cheered on both teams and played on my ipod... that was the first time in years that I felt like I was in that warm family situation. It brought me this incredibly overwhelming peace, something I haven't felt since my grandparents died. Though I have felt out of place in two major cities in the last 5 years, in that moment I felt like I was exactly where I belonged. Slowing down was the best thing we ever did- and the fact that he let me restart, the fact that we've come this far--- means so much to me.

    in front of his son today he called himself my boyfriend. I felt a tiny glimmer of hope.

    But I can't let myself get there, can't let myself get happy when he said he doesn't want a serious relationship-- when he said he doesn't want the same things as me. I wish he did... I wish I even knew how he felt besides generally liking me, in other words is he feeling the same level of like? Are we doing well?

     

    I'm not so sure... 

    Come home to a horrible fight with my mother that rips me to shreds again. She texted me that she was feeling mushy and I said me too, and described the above scenario and said how much I missed my grandparents and having family time with them and her. She ignored that part and sarcastically wrote back, "well you have a perfect fit in family". She doesn't want me making connections here because she wants out of Arizona as soon as possible and is determined to drag me away from Phoenix with her, kicking and screaming if she has to. Don't get me wrong, I want to leave too- but I want to do it on my terms because I am an adult now and I also want to go to a city of my choosing, not hers simply because every place we have discussed we are unable to compromise. She took it as me saying that I wanted insta-family with Luke and Jaden and became a horrible cunt to me. I got home and she did the whole song and dance of "you can only use my car for work"... me: "But Luke lives 10 feet away from where I work. I'm not driving the car any extra..." her: "I don't care! I want to use the car on a whim if I want!"... me: "you're not even awake at 9 am when I get off work and usually see him... and on Friday nights he picks me up and brings me home Saturday mornings..." her, "You're running my car into the ground, it needs an oil change," me: "Luke got me a year's worth of oil changes, look at this gift certificate," her, "No fucking way I don't care if its free you're going to MY mechanic only at Midas," me: "The one who fucked over the Saturn?" her: "YOU fucked up the Saturn," (insert explanation of how the mechanic at Midas didn't check specifically what I asked and thus led to the bigger downfall of the car and then explaining we are 2,000 miles passed due and don't even have enough money for groceries to eat this weekend, a free oil change is what we need. She doesn't care. I knocked over her glass of seltzer into her lap for being childish and pushing my buttons on the day I was supposed to be feeling good about winning an award, more scholarship money and getting straight A's in my hardest class (tonight was the Scholar's Reception at ASU, but I didn't go because I didn't want to go alone/didn't have gas money/didn't have money to park) so since knocking over a non-sticky glass of bubbly water is so terrible, she came in my bedroom and threw my Kinect sensor across the room. Yep. My Kinect. I don't know if its okay. I don't have the heart to check it just yet.

    She says our relationship is over... this time, I hope it is. I hope she leaves me alone and all we talk about is the car and bills. I'm tired of her presenting this false idea of family, this false kindness, lying to my face about compromises (Yes, of course I'll move to Portland... four weeks later, "There's no way I'm moving to the Pacific North West, its too much moisture for me to handle,") I'm tired of her acting like she is working on our relationship so then I put in the effort to be kinder to her and then she reaps the benefits until she's done, then she pulls shit like today and here we go again.

    If God exists, please make a change. Give me the strength to make a change, or give her the strength to succeed in either her SSD case or getting a teaching job for the next school year. I can live in Jenny's living room if I needed to as long as I had a car, which means I need to start secretly saving up for my own car so I can get away from her completely.

    Lots to think over.

     

    Ani Difranco - Swan Dive

    "I don't care if they eat me alive, I've got better things to do than survive,"