August 13, 2011

  • after a lustful, unhealthy encounter with Luke, he took me out to lunch for a serious conversation. Though I lost my feelings for him long ago, though I can see the narcissistic egotistical asshole he is, the fact that he's already been on a couple of dates made me feel like a fish being gutted. He's not sure that we'd ever fix "us"; neither was I, but because I can't have that, its what I t.

    what did I do? I met a random guy off of craigslist who didn't want anything but to hang out with me. He took me over to his brother's house and then to his and I snorted more coke than I've ever done in my entire life after four years of not touching the stuff, all for free. The guy was sweet and a gentleman and all I had to do was be there and enjoy myself. Today I'm paying for it with my entire body feeling like death. I can't tell if its simply the physical ramifications of last night or the mixture of that with severe emotional pain. 

    so fuck you, and your untouchable face and fuck you for existing in the first place.

    but when we get tangled together and the only thing I can see is you, it doesn't seem like the world exists either. We instantly have this magnetism that draws us fiercely to each other if we get too close. 

    I'm just gonna get my feet wet until I drown.

    I almost feel like forcing myself to stay up, forcing myself out of my bed to create something beautiful-- or tragic.

    I'm queen of my own compost heap but I'm getting used to the smell.

    I'm in an Ani mood and want to force myself to get up and paint something, but I'm fighting my body. Fighting my hurting insides. Fighting myself, same as always.

    you know there's no escape and no excuse.