September 20, 2011

  • I go through these cycles I suppose; drug binges, hard work, bad health, amazing academics and achievements that people expect from a Dean's List student. To you it would mean everything, to me it feels meaningless. I read somewhere that someone once told a friend of mine that all anyone wants is, "to love, to be loved and to have a purpose". I want those things more than I ever have in my entire life. As I am coming closer to having to decide what to do next regarding my life, my education, where I am going to live- I am lost. I have no passion for anything any more; when I find something I love I do it to death and then its done. I go back to people who don't deserve me, who put me down and I wonder why. I buy fake hair (god I've spent so much fucking money on extensions in the last few years I could've gotten my own damn car by now) to make myself feel better when I'd probably just feel better if I dropped some damn weight. Or maybe if I stopped wishing so hard to find movie-like love, or maybe if I stopped thinking I'll never ever find it. But here I am, its 5am the morning I have two big exams and I'm not ready.

    I need a break. I need some rest. But I have to take care of my mother, I have to finish my senior year, I have to have to have to have to. There's always something I should be doing. It makes me hate my life. I don't really appreciate anything any more. 

    Sometimes I throw on the show Intervention and think: these people have NO IDEA how lucky they are that they have family that loves them so much and a tv show to pay for rehab and the ability of others to function without them. 

    I think I realized the reason I keep stalling on grad school is that I don't really have it in me to do this any more. I need help.