February 5, 2012

  • "Sometimes it last in love but sometimes it hurts instead,"

     

    I watch Teen Mom and Teen Mom 2, not going to lie-- its just interesting for me to look at other people's drama.

    I spent the last week in a haze of drugs after getting t-boned a week ago. I got some money and blew it really fast on a binge and woke up two days ago thinking that this isn't a life I want.

     

    The biggest part of why I do these things is because I have been trying to hide behind them to avoid the pain of the last 5, going on 6 years.

    I miss Katie. I know a lot of people do-- when I used to write all the time, when I had dreams and aspirations that weren't focused on figuring out how to get medication... So after a few days of clearing my head I've made the decision to change courses, back to the right one.

     "Someone like you" by Adele that really gets me.

    It makes me think of Lance, and his changed profile picture to him with a girl, his changed phone number... I can't even find out if he got the package I sent a few months ago. "I had hoped you'd see my face and you'd be reminded that for me, it isn't over"... but its time. Its time a lot is over; time for me to take the pain-- including the HUGE amount of pain from big incidents (grief and loss) and tie them up with little bows before storing them in the back of my mind and my heart. 

     

    If not, I'm going to die like this. I'm carrying around 5 years of pain, anger, sorrow, etc. and it isn't realistic. I spent money on art supplies for the first time today instead of pills. That makes me proud of myself, and sad at the same time. Regardless, I am going to keep my head up.