January 18, 2015

  • your ex lover is dead - Stars

    well here we are again, at the end of another binge, another road block... not necessarily running out of cash, or running completely out of drugs, but knowing that this is stupid... it comes to a head where I want to just overdose and die but it doesn't work. I try my very best and it doesn't work. So I have some left, not enough, I know I've got pills coming to me tomorrow, and it isn't enough to bury these feelings.

    the pain of knowing he won't ever be mine and now, I can't even have him for a little.
    the pain of knowing he was never a good person to begin with. The nagging at my gut to find another person to latch onto. This is the sad repeat of the pain in my gut that has lingered since the day David walked out in 2010. And even going back, it just never goes away. He's the glass shard that is dragged across my skin.

    Let's admit the pain and suck on a little piece of heroin like candy, hoping it might soothe something.

    I need to clean my room and start over.
    Do laundry. Get out of the house.

    When I get here I get scared because it is so dark, so empty, like I can feel the Earth is missing my bones.