September 3, 2015

• To be alone with you

  I should've just kept it to myself. Or just tried going to sleep as soon as I kissed him at at the door.
  Instead I admitted: Hey, I can't stand where I am and want to hide away for a little while with you.
  He doesn't even get that it would take me pawning something of mine for the stupid gas money to get over to him. Or hours of walking. And I would just do it for a little time away from this room. From looking at Matt's stuff. To go to a place where I really feel safe. To sleep. To feel beautiful.

  And I don't want a relationship with anyone, but I just really like him. I have since we met.

  Last night. Looking right into his eyes. I didn't feel lovey-stupid, I felt like a person.

  I guess I'm gonna try and write about it because I spent an hour getting ready hoping that maybe the lonely or shallow parts of him because hey we all have them, would give in. But he is setting boundaries.

  He allowed me to explain that I haven't felt safe in so long. I haven't slept in so long. The closest I came was in his arms last night. And his honest word for word reply was: "I get it. And you look amazing. And I do get it. And I said I would try. And I know you don't want to be at home. We will see. But you need to understand no might be my answer and that is not a reflection of you."

  I couldn't ask for a more honest, respectful answer. It just wasn't the one I wanted and I am never good at that.
  I feel like a little girl. My eyes fill with involuntary tears.

  "Hung up in the air"

  Was that smell, tobacco and gain
  Mixed with the chemistry of you
  That used to dance around my bedroom
  Cold winter nights, lingering
  And like a fool I still wish love could fix it all
  or that love could even sprout in any of this soil
  But its necessity, and you don't necessarily need me
  But I actually missed you
  And beat myself up
  Cried on the bathroom floor, syringe in my arm
  After that last night I bought you dinner
  Chinese food in the bedroom with no furniture
  But that bed was sacred, trashed with secrets
  I still felt like I mattered
  I thought you saw me too
  Maybe you never really have before
  I run my fingers so lightly on your neck
  and watch as your eyes close, soothed
  They always come back but I never thought you would
  I hoped you would
  I wresteled my own regrets
  I looked away when we drove past your place
  I want to whisper that I need you
  but I don't really want to lose you again
  Not when I just want to learn you as my friend
  My body counts the seconds until your next touch

  

  • 6:54 pm
  • Comments Off