September 4, 2015

  • I don't want to do your sleep walk dance any more.

    So it is my own stupid (hormonal) fault for even allowing Ryan back in my life. Stupid, stupid mistake. I know I wanted to be comforted. I wanted to feel wanted. I wanted to be touched and held and feel special.

    And he wanted pussy.

    And trust me, I know mine is glorious, so says every man I have ever let between my thighs-- and they come back begging year after year, even thousands of miles away. I don't want to be your good time, I don't want to be your fall back crutch any more.

    I have had enough of being that for anyone. Friends, lovers, people. I'm just finished. And maybe not with my life yet, but with this game.

    This could totally be me being an impatient bitch. But it isn't.

    I'm not going to let it get further again. I'm not going to allow feelings for him. I'm finished. He doesn't want to be my friend, he doesn't want anything but what he wants. Everyone does, I suppose. Especially me. And I'm not up for it. Balance things out. He could've been realistic with me. Maybe he was and I ignored it because of my hormones and my lack of sleep and my PTSD with men lately. I just don't feel like giving anyone any more slack. That is all I have ever done; pick up the slack for everyone else and lose my own shit. Again I have lost everything, or maybe I didn't--- I didn't have a lot to lose in the first place.

    So I am going to attempt an art piece today potentially... and I'm going to let go.

    I'm just going to let go of all the fake friends, all the fake promises, all the emptiness. And he won't ever read this. He probably won't even realize I blocked him. He won't try to text or call. And there isn't a whole lot I can do but shrug, listen to some good music and keep on moving on.