July 15, 2015

  • deep in the meadow

    So we've come out of it alive. Relatively unscathed. I've been clean from her for a couple of months. That doesn't stop me from little perfect percocet kisses.

    I reread the ending again. I revisit our ending over and over.

    I know I have to let him go. I know I will probably marry the man I'm with. And he treats me like a queen.

    And still my dreams will always be haunted by him. I'll always be his pretty little doll.

    Damaged and broken, how does anyone still love me?

    One night while tripping on acid and withdrawing from heroin, Mockingjay part 1 was playing arbitrarily in the background. When Jennifer Lawerence sang "The Hanging Tree" I finally was able to stop shaking. It was as if her voice paved a smooth, safe little corner of my universe where I wasn't Katie any more. I wasn't Alice either, lost in Wonderland. I was just a simple girl with simple dreams.

    I know all of the potential I have. I know the people I could help. I get chills thinking about it. I still long for the sweet silence that death might offer. I close my eyes and I can see the CGI image of the hydro-dam breaking in the movie. I think about all of the things that have happened to me in a year. My mind wanders home even though it has been almost a decade since I've been gone. Central Park. Green grass. Museums. Getting lost just because. I can't do that here. I don't know what I can do here.

    I don't know how to dig in the embers of who I was to start that fire again.

    I miss my paints.

    I miss so many places, the quiet of Red Rock Canyon. I want to cry as hard as I can.

    I know the tears will not absolve any of my sins.