I miss your face like hell.

sometimes it bothers me (like now) to see all my friends having children, getting engaged, getting married, having been married for a while.... to see friends get thinner, to see them happy... and I don't know what to make of all of these feelings... I'm just sad I guess.

I know I won't get there for years, I get it... but I wish I had it. I wish I hadn't walked down last year's path, and I can't take it back I know I can't...

everything is grey.... but his eyes
these light blue eyes

"you were a vision in the morning when the light came through, I know I've only felt religion when I've lied with you,"

the way he was holding me this morning, how I really didn't wanna get up... the way we lay on the couch with his legs over mine... the way we slow danced like I never have in my entire life. The way I am gritting my teeth as I post this. How he put his hands on my hips, how he softly kissed my lips... how he tangled his fingers between mine, how I never wanted this... how I wish I were laying tangled up in him right now, not even sexually... I close my eyes and feel his finger tips....

everything is blue

My mom got me a laptop for school and it has afforded me freedom. I love watching Donnie Darko (Which I already did tonight) and Love, Marylin.... not really in a suicidal way, I find her to be an inspiration even with her sad paperwork they found and narrate for the movie. Having Will gone has been such a relief. I feel like I was getting sicker because of the stress he was causing me. I finally feel like writing some poetry.

5 to 6 am I like to smoke a cigarette
I talk to them sometimes, tell them what a soldier they have been
life becomes something you make for yourself
letting others get in the way puts up bars
making your own cell when you already have bars around your thoughts
makes the stars, the paint, the idea of love just ideas
carbon paper or painting who you are
writing down a recipe in the back of a sketch book
creating the taste of your mother's home
when peace finally draws in she makes it on her own
I used to hate not talking to one ex
but ex is an ex for a reason
and he is married, something I find myself jealous of
half the time I want that commitment
half of the time I wish I had a baby to nurture
until I realized I had to nurture myself first
understanding where life can take you never works
surprising interstates at night
calling out liars but myself
loving cities and places I can't bring myself home to
but I can love myself and where I am going
and even with my baggage I can start fresh again
each day is a new day to start over
I love you, Marylin; though you were a mystery
but you remind me that tomorrow can be a new day
if I work hard enough one day opportunity will knock