I'm going nowhere
but I'd like to escape
This mess, this torture
public humiliation
If only I could explain
I just want a deep, dark hole
some place to hide until its finished
I want to be able to sleep at night
this is just a figure 8
looping back around to the same
problems, shit, redundancy
at its finest
I can barely move
this spot is warm and safe
unbuckled my seat belt
smoked cigarettes until I choked
until there wasn't a single one left
There isn't enough
and there isn't really any
The last bit was consumed
why can't I be left alone?
Month: October 2017
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Henry you danced like a wooden Indian.
- 2:34 pm
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Charlie Boy
His tongue darted in my mouth
As if he were trying to push the words down
Shove each vowel down my throat
Underestimating my gag reflex
And nothing felt right
Nothing felt good
This is terribly forced
And we are awful actors
Lying to each other just to hold on
This will all be over soon- 2:22 am
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read my mind
I'm always counting chickens
Before the eggs are even laid
Now I don't have a thing to my name
A borrowed phone, one last pack of smokes
Not sure where I'll get another from
Singing the blues
I cry myself to sleep at night
I wait until your breathing steadies
and I know you are completely out
and then I touch your face softly
Trying to tell myself it will be okay
Because of you
and then the next day I watch
as tears well up in his eyes
feeling the whole weight of the world
aching for what he has lost
and I try not to ache for what I will lose
I'm not stupid, I know this can't last forever
(Why do all good things come to an end?)
Waiting for the other shoe to drop
Just piles on the anxiety
But I can't blame his naivety
When I was 18 I thought I'd spend forever with someone else
And at 22, and 26
the sad, unrelentless truth is everyone dies alone
Everyone usually suffers alone
And there is more of the world for him
And I'm afraid, just one ticket
So I'll stay behind and someday lick my wounds
When he does move on
If you could read my mind
I'm trying to turn this all around
Stuck on a carousel of problem after problem
I don't even mind any more
I'll just tackle it one thing at a time- 3:15 pm
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Quantification
How to we quantify things? By measuring them against other known constants but my question is, who quantified those? Where did we come up with things like,"That's a football field away"? And love, the most important thing of all is just one of the many things in the universe that cannot be quantified, it is fluid and liquid at the same time. It is a feeling, a rush, maybe crushing in your chest, maybe making your face muscles hurt from smiling so much... Then there is the hunt for the person that can make you feel that way. "Are you my soul, my heart, my demon in the dark, pull everything apart, are you gonna be my love?"- Shark, Oh Wonder. Then what do we do when we have this feeling and the other person becomes distant, is it just over? When do we draw a line in the sand... lord knows I have never been good with that shit, I usually draw the line then jump over it and run for the hills. We try to make all of these pretty little things in life; paintings, knick-knacks, add a personal touch to everything like our phones or computers. What makes us special? What makes there be more to this.. living day by day paycheck to paycheck
- 10:12 am
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little bubble
Snow falls still on the valley
Underscoring tragedy and joy
Lay me down, let my heart slow
Use your instruments
Pull it out, make it beat
The box is locked
And it holds the key
Broken splinters on the floor
Exit wounds and sarcastic smiles
Tear apart every memory
Of men and boys alike
Who crushed me endlessly
Now I watch what I say
"I love you" is just a pacifier
You're going to leave someday
and I'm tired of pretending you won't
I keep vomiting cliches
Spit out all the words
Anything everyone wants to hear
Understanding that there really is nothing
I am nothing but a puppet on a string
Fine me a nice little bubble
So you can observe me obey
These chains are too heavy anymore- 6:50 pm
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We live in a beautiful world
Bad sneakers and a pina collata my friend
when the days were so much more simple
a joint, a glass of wine
good music and backgammon
before my heart was ever opened
before so many men could tear it apart
bold lies, open thighs, heavy breathing
now he wants to protect me
in tears he apologized for my past
all the hurt and blood and sweat
as the snow slowly falls
I crave holding him in my arms
I crave home, but that doesn't exist
(except when I am with him)
understated agony
crumbling slowly each day
pain covers me like a wet blanket
then I realize I need warm gloves
just to get the words out
but we live in a beautiful world
filled with dark corners
heaven and hell just meaningless words
I've seen the bottom of the pit
I've crawled down the rabbit hole
and now I am left with nothing- 1:57 pm
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