when he said he could fall in love with me I realized it had been him all along.
not sure how to handle this.

Hazel eyes that whisper
"be mine, forever"

Selah, Lauryn Hill

ashamed to just admit I've been a fool.

And then he came......

rainy day spent in the library playing hookie from work with Dylan. I love him so much more than I ever expected. I finally found a partner that can keep up with me, yet tame me.
blurry days of phone calls, deep pockets of fog outside... my guilty heart behaved so foolishly....

working hard at Alorica.

working on my relationship with Dylan.

struggling through my masters program.

I miss your face like hell.

sometimes it bothers me (like now) to see all my friends having children, getting engaged, getting married, having been married for a while.... to see friends get thinner, to see them happy... and I don't know what to make of all of these feelings... I'm just sad I guess.

I know I won't get there for years, I get it... but I wish I had it. I wish I hadn't walked down last year's path, and I can't take it back I know I can't...

everything is grey.... but his eyes
these light blue eyes

"you were a vision in the morning when the light came through, I know I've only felt religion when I've lied with you,"

the way he was holding me this morning, how I really didn't wanna get up... the way we lay on the couch with his legs over mine... the way we slow danced like I never have in my entire life. The way I am gritting my teeth as I post this. How he put his hands on my hips, how he softly kissed my lips... how he tangled his fingers between mine, how I never wanted this... how I wish I were laying tangled up in him right now, not even sexually... I close my eyes and feel his finger tips....

everything is blue

My mom got me a laptop for school and it has afforded me freedom. I love watching Donnie Darko (Which I already did tonight) and Love, Marylin.... not really in a suicidal way, I find her to be an inspiration even with her sad paperwork they found and narrate for the movie. Having Will gone has been such a relief. I feel like I was getting sicker because of the stress he was causing me. I finally feel like writing some poetry.

5 to 6 am I like to smoke a cigarette
I talk to them sometimes, tell them what a soldier they have been
life becomes something you make for yourself
letting others get in the way puts up bars
making your own cell when you already have bars around your thoughts
makes the stars, the paint, the idea of love just ideas
carbon paper or painting who you are
writing down a recipe in the back of a sketch book
creating the taste of your mother's home
when peace finally draws in she makes it on her own
I used to hate not talking to one ex
but ex is an ex for a reason
and he is married, something I find myself jealous of
half the time I want that commitment
half of the time I wish I had a baby to nurture
until I realized I had to nurture myself first
understanding where life can take you never works
surprising interstates at night
calling out liars but myself
loving cities and places I can't bring myself home to
but I can love myself and where I am going
and even with my baggage I can start fresh again
each day is a new day to start over
I love you, Marylin; though you were a mystery
but you remind me that tomorrow can be a new day
if I work hard enough one day opportunity will knock

I got a job at a law firm as a receptionist.

Will got arrested and taken away. He can't live here any more.

I have a job and I am FREEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!

Love is a poloroid... better in pictures, never can fill the void.

now I'm sober. Of everything.

But....

I'm 28, childless, careerless, hurting. I picked up smoking Camel silver crush menthols. I like to smoke one in the morning, other wise its just stress related.

Hasley- Castle

I got a job; a dream job, but it is in Denver. Would need to get the car looked over... not so sure what to do.

Nightmares are bothering me.

job, car.... still the same demons but getting better at handling them all the time

it has been a difficult few months. Got a car. Got a job that starts at the end of November.

the man of a thousand faces
kiss me once, kiss me twice
windy days with white mountain tips
cold cold cold
understated affection, implied intention
criminal attention
fold into me, the ecstasy is fading
roll up, roll down;
tides of serotonin
a conversation I just can't have
a resolution, a revolution
a change, a chance, a mockingjay
underneath a cloud of smokey reprise
trace your fingers along my sides
this won't break, the water told me
it gave me this life
born into despondency
submersion into darkness
hold on tight, here we go.

Will is still with me.
Stephanie came to stay for a week.
Got them both jobs too.