we found out I am pregnant. we were going to get married. I don't really want to write out all that happened.

I feel stupid and numb, like Bella Swan when Edward leads her and we see the stupid shot of her sitting there for months not moving.

I don't understand my purpose or place. For just a moment, it feels like the blink of an eye really... I trusted him. We had a future with some goals, some dreams. If I could rewind I would go back to the summer of 2010. I would not have gone to the scream park. I would never have met David. I never would have been pregnant by him.

I was excited to have this baby. Now I feel absolute misery. I want Matt to go to work so I can lay and quietly cry myself to sleep.

I still could do it. I still could take out the money, go to Seattle... hike... die under some ancient tree in the plush grass in heroin's loving arms.

I just have to be quiet until then.

six records in, don't know where to begin

doing a dance with Molly alone tonight. got turned down for the time warner job probably because I was honest about why I got fired. I am really not that worried about it. I feel like I should be doing something creative right now but it has been so nice just sleeping, getting fucked up, having sex, things progressing with Matt... we booked a judge for yesterday to get married for real but we didn't have enough money. I really want to paint and I have canvas but no paint or brushes. Sigh.

I am really unsure of what to do with myself.

I cleaned the bedroom but even then, we have so much stuff... he has a dresser he is bringing over later.. that could be good.

road trip to Loveland, CO today with Matt, Steph and Amanda to pick up Seth and bring him back to the Springs for a day.

The more time I spend with Matt, the more the love I have for him grows. I appreciate the smaller things like him coming out to check on me when I went to sleep on the couch in the living room.

My mind lingers on memories of last summer. David was and always will be the handful of sand; once the grains run through your fingers they never will be in the same order again. Like the crumpled page, it can't ever be the way it once was. That love was deep but sharp, ripping me apart for years. Instead this love feels like so much more; ten thousand leagues under the sea kind of deep. I can tell when he loves me for my mind, for my sense of humor, or when he looks at me in the middle of the night when I'm stoned or tired as all hell, no make up and tells me I am beautiful. And in those moments I feel safe and believe him.

And he never waivers.

I remember sitting across the table from David in the restaurant that replaced Friday's in Desert Ridge, some stupid over priced Irish pub style place... and how he was able to look me dead in the eye and tell me if he was hooking up with Emily he wasn't going to stop even though I really dragged my entire life back across the country for him. Doing shots when I can't stand alcohol just to numb him out. How he pushed me too far.

He always loved himself more than he ever could love me. But when Matt looks at me it is so clear that all he wants is to see me happy.

I'm never sure how to define happy. I went a full 24 hours with no opiates and only mild sickness but it mixed with a cold so who knows. I know part of me is trying to push this addiction away because I really want to have a life. Finish my Masters. Get married. Have children.

When Matt wraps his arms around me I can feel how strong he is, even if he never sees himself that way. I feel safe and like I'm finally somewhere I belong. And for the first time in my life I feel like I am ready to do anything I can to hold onto this beautiful, fragile, fickle thing called love. This is not mediocre. It is everything I have been dreaming of and wishing for. I wish he could see himself through my eyes. I'm sure he feels the same about me. We both might get sad, depressed, sleepless, cranky... but we have each other and it feels like a real partnership.

I've never really been religious, I've mainly been of the mindset that "everything happens for a reason" and maybe I finally found why my path took me in this direction, for better or worse. I know I was so lost without him.

I close my eyes and I can picture that day, the dust storm, The Lumineers album, shared ear buds. "You told me I was like the dead sea, finest words you ever said to me, you'll never sink when you are with me,"... instead, I drowned... and Matt scooped me up and did CPR in just enough time to save my life.

So we've come out of it alive. Relatively unscathed. I've been clean from her for a couple of months. That doesn't stop me from little perfect percocet kisses.

I reread the ending again. I revisit our ending over and over.

I know I have to let him go. I know I will probably marry the man I'm with. And he treats me like a queen.

And still my dreams will always be haunted by him. I'll always be his pretty little doll.

Damaged and broken, how does anyone still love me?

One night while tripping on acid and withdrawing from heroin, Mockingjay part 1 was playing arbitrarily in the background. When Jennifer Lawerence sang "The Hanging Tree" I finally was able to stop shaking. It was as if her voice paved a smooth, safe little corner of my universe where I wasn't Katie any more. I wasn't Alice either, lost in Wonderland. I was just a simple girl with simple dreams.

I know all of the potential I have. I know the people I could help. I get chills thinking about it. I still long for the sweet silence that death might offer. I close my eyes and I can see the CGI image of the hydro-dam breaking in the movie. I think about all of the things that have happened to me in a year. My mind wanders home even though it has been almost a decade since I've been gone. Central Park. Green grass. Museums. Getting lost just because. I can't do that here. I don't know what I can do here.

I don't know how to dig in the embers of who I was to start that fire again.

I miss my paints.

I miss so many places, the quiet of Red Rock Canyon. I want to cry as hard as I can.

I know the tears will not absolve any of my sins.

so I was able to finally end my relationship with Heroin. And now I am at the end of completely weening off methadone.

my boyfriend Matt saved my life-- him and Stephanie.

I really want to marry Matt. I said if the first time he slept over, I knew it, I know it. He is what I have been searching for my entire life. Now I have to be patient and wait but we are getting there. he put me on his car insurance and the first weekend of having his new car he let me borrow it all weekend. He makes sure I am never hungry he is there for me. He bought me a Chromebook and then brought home made fudge when I had my period. He has helped me move a couple of times. I think he is moving in with me in November. I have never felt this way about anyone, not since my first love ever. I know he isn't going anywhere but I do wish I had a way to lock it down. like the way you rent your apartment, I wish there were secondary alternatives. I am gong to work on getting a car.

I feel free. I am remembering feelings. I am not being forced into this, I am finally moving on because I want to and I am choosing to.

I think that is why it isn't as hard to go through.

terrified to document my stupidity, I've been sort of quiet this last bit of time. Countless men, hating myself to the point of doing things I would never have dreamed of for my worst enemy, it's easy to focus on getting the rush from the drugs when everything else just is a mess. and it's too easy to let the mess build and build when you are only focused on self destruction. I started dating a nerdy guy simply because I wanted to be worshiped in a relationship for once. Instead of it going to plan and being easy, I found the one whimpy guy who did fall instantly in love with me, but of course had enormous baggage that immediately bit me in the ass.

Bon Iver, "Skinny Love" will forever be the memory of western North Carolina soaked in rain, and the pain of two abortions. The feeling of failed purpose. Pieces of glass. Loneliness.

Colorado is beautiful, I can't hold my anger against it at all, it never hurt me. A Denver twist is a beautiful thing.

We all crawled deep into that hole over the winter, just to be thrust into the summer sun, exposed. Jt is starting over without her, she's in rehab with Hep C, so many friends have folded in and out, fallen apart, metamorphasized, yanked the steering wheel and changed the entire direction of their lives because of them. They are too selfish to notice.

It's like being in a huge play that never ends. My life continues to amaze me. As I have gotten older I have seen the spectrum of the human experience in such a different way than I ever dreamed possible. It has made me more intelligent, but more distant and certainly more alone even as I am surrounded with people. I talk to people all over the country every single day.

Bon Iver "The Wolves, 1 &2"

Measured out in strange moments. Time is relative. I start to think about where I want my life to take me... sometimes I want it to end me up in Washington state, with a fat syringe of beautiful brown release, my overdose under the skies of the Pacific North West. Close my eyes while being wrapped in nature's womb. Sometimes it's just here, with a baby and a house, a new goal to extend my stay on this fickle planet. Sometimes its in New York City, going back to college for something I actually want to do, something in the arts, hiding out in city bars and old apartments, breathing in the culture. Maybe it's in California, near the ocean, maybe as a teacher... sometimes its in Arizona, with David, in a reality that will never exist, where his previous children are not my problem, where he can focus on me, and I can bathe in that love, and it can move me, when it's good it is better than the strongest kiss of Heroin.

the only remote future is hopefully moving successfully, staying on methadone, trying to get a car, an Ipod, something back...

I have so little in this life now, no computer, no car, no smart phone.. I have a track phone and Steph's laptop at home... and I don't desperately hate it... but I'm not a big fan either.

I thought years later we would have reached some sort of precipice.

[live through this and you won't look back.]

I thought we could rewrite the past, dance in the moonlight of those memories. Crash down the walls we had built up over time.

In that moment, in the infinite silence that echoed your hesitance I knew it was over.

I started to understand that hole in my heart did not really have your name spelled out on it.

I started to realize I hadn't even noticed that I wasn't interested in finding love any more.

In this moment I would do anything to hit the road, to be staring down the mouth of I-15 again going west. West. West to see the one man who will always love me, and never love me the way I always needed him to. And that's alright because he deserves to be happy and he has found it, and that is more than I could ever ask for.

[Give me something to believe in.]

Sometimes when I am the most lonely I try and cling to those memories. I put myself through my own personal hell over and over and over. Replay this same movie.

I don't have any place to hide any more.

So I'll look at pictures from back then, I'll close my eyes tight and remember the smell of Arizona monsoon rain, sharing a headphone with you, when my heart felt full and life was just beginning.

I beat my body to a pulp.
Watch the blood register, black out highs
Lowest lows.
Faceless men between my legs.
Nameless people across telephone lines
I'm doing time
Painful stabs of the reality
Heroin arms that hold me tight
Day light that hurts my eyes
When food and art and breathing become unappetizing
the last back up falling through the cracks
working over time to make that next check huge
make it as big as I can so it can go right in
whisk me from this weary world
I don't want to see the skyline of 27 any more
I am content to kiss the earth goodbye
stab that needle in the ground
it beat me, like it beat my father
and his father
and I knew I was never anything special
I knew I wanted to be
I wished I could be
but I was passed the point of no return
I always said you'd find me in Oklahoma
working some sad waitress job
but I don't even want that any more
just take my name, my face
I'm finished now
underscore this sadness with a soundtrack
Pandora love and empty promises
let this hurt trickle out
let someone tell my story someday
and remember the girl with the beautiful heart
that could not pick up the pieces

and then they were back..... with China White.

Jesus Christ.

(happiness is not a warm gun, its a warm spoon full of sugar)

( this is about Ryan)

You're another romantic poem,
eyes I crumble beneath,
rubble.
Lies or lust or love
I don't care at all right now
sweep yesterday under this rug
a backpack of tin-foil in the trash
and the pain of the third day
withdrawing from this numbness
withdrawing from myself
skip the social norms
who made them that way?
resist the temptation but it burns
your skin against mine
electricity without a conduit
close this circuit please
where have you been all this time?
wrap me in dreams of velvety warm nights
star studded mountain skies
in that fantasy of your hand in mine
underneath it all, no judgement
no shame, no secrets
tell me where you want to go
the road seems open
the gas gauge is broken
lets hope we get where we both want to be
I saw the reflection of my own sadness
narrate me a better day
give it a soundtrack with slow, movie-esque queues
where it will be the best day of our lives
as we kiss on sheets that still have little
tiny dots of heroin pushed into the thread count
you would never know
time becomes irrelevant when you're in my bedroom
it isn't high school puppy love
or cheaply bought lust
just right as my lips begin to form a smile
you're the fire in the water
I'm not sure if I want to ever put this out