so this joint and this lick of winter coming through as a tiny breeze remind me of my first North Carolina winter; the perfect peacoat I never had, trying to stay both physically and emotionally warm. Got my computer back. Am doing better than ever. Got a car. Got a Wil, and right now I am sincerely happy about that.

It takes one to know one
Spit that out into the fire
Press rewind; erase the tape.
For quality and training purposes; hide
Behind Halloween masks or prying eyes
Understand I have understood you before
Looking in the mirror lies, lies,lies
I know this dance better than you
I am a mountain, unmoved by these shiny things
I know what it feels like to breathe a lie,
Intoxicating sympathy without need for proof
But the puppet master can tell when you're pulling
My strings are sharp like razor wire
And all you'll do is bleed a little rainstorm
Drip drip drip
Right down to the hook you thought you had in my back
I hope you'll just see the door.

I found that I am most efficient when I smoke Heroin. Not shoot it, just smoke a little. It eases all the physical pain and puts me in a better mental space... but do I want this to be how I manage my shit? No.

Every time I used to smoke I listened to To Love's "Stay high"... now I just want to push repeat on the song by the Bleachers, I wanna get better.

I called Aspen Pointe and made sure I have transportation to get to the appointment tomorrow.

I worked it out with Planned Parenthood.

Unfortunately I worked a couple dates from backpage so I could get ahead.
Honestly, that sort of thing I just mentally block out now. I don't see faces or even am bothered by the moment. I'm a zombie and it works.

I really need to make more cash though, I need money for laundry and food and all that fun stuff.

sigh.

at least I am accomplishing things today.

Cedar Springs.

"the pain of change has to be less than the pain of staying the same".

Taylor.
Gorgeous. Talented. Unexpected. The day I have been wanting all summer. Painkillers, beyond ridiculous amazing sex, cuddling, napping, Left 4 Dead, laughing... and when he went home he gave me his Netflix info. I might actually see him again. And even if I don't it was the best day I have had in so long, I just feel lucky I got to experience it.

Nichole and maybe a real friendship forming.

Things can be better.

"I didn't know I was broken until I wanted to change,"

People are so predictable.

After that long talk the other night, it seemed too good to be true. I knew he wanted to just earn the cash by putting my mom's stuff together. And of course, once I told him she made a back up plan he was pissed.

And I woke up this morning knowing that I even after I told him I would speak to her, he would blow me off. And of course he did.

So, again, no more Ryan.

Sara came and saw me tonight.

Her and my mother agreed I should be honest with him. So I was. And instead of it being a bad thing, it was perfect and there was good communication.

and after an hour long, clarifying phone call we were friends again on Facebook and I said:

me: you're too cute. and gorgeous. and intelligent. and I am a sucker for how you sound at the end of phone calls. or when you're sleepy. and I sorta just really want to lightly trace my fingers on your neck and kiss you in a totally not make you feel awkward way.
fuckk Ryan. fuck.
this is why you've been stuck in my head like a song you don't want to like but can't stop listening to since I met you.
Ryan:
9/4, 10:49pm
Haha I'll admit, it sounds awesome and you're a good chick. You are. Don't forget that
10:54pm
Me:
there we go, now I can reply. Thank you. I remember that one night you ran by work with me in the car, and maybe this is why I associate the singer Hozier with you in particular, when I looked at you through the glass talking to security because you had to like put in your shift bid, and that song, "take me to church" came on and it was like fuckk... that's just perfect. "My church offers no absolutes
She tells me, "Worship in the bedroom."
The only heaven I'll be sent to
Is when I'm alone with you" .... my final thought is its not lusty, its not necessarily lovey, its just there is something about you that is better to me than Ive experienced, and I've had a fair amount of lovers over the years, just simple little touches you made feel electric and you for damn sure still have it. I couldn't say no to you if I tried. So with that, he might be an indie like singer but one of these days when you get a moment (like when youre doing laundry) listen to either like "work song" or "to be alone with you" on youtube for me. just cause. And if this part of the message in any way turns out making you feel like I came on too strong I will officially blame the hormones.
10:56pm
me:
cause I'm probably gonna get some ice cream and lay in my bed and listen to that pandora station and think about you and try to unwind before bed.

His reply:
Ryan:
Haha you should write more. thank you, sincerely. That's incredibly nice to say. I just have one question

11:05pm
me:
Yes?
Ryan:
9/4, 11:05pm
What kind of ice cream?

fuck me I'm gonna wind up falling in love with him before the first snow.

So it is my own stupid (hormonal) fault for even allowing Ryan back in my life. Stupid, stupid mistake. I know I wanted to be comforted. I wanted to feel wanted. I wanted to be touched and held and feel special.

And he wanted pussy.

And trust me, I know mine is glorious, so says every man I have ever let between my thighs-- and they come back begging year after year, even thousands of miles away. I don't want to be your good time, I don't want to be your fall back crutch any more.

I have had enough of being that for anyone. Friends, lovers, people. I'm just finished. And maybe not with my life yet, but with this game.

This could totally be me being an impatient bitch. But it isn't.

I'm not going to let it get further again. I'm not going to allow feelings for him. I'm finished. He doesn't want to be my friend, he doesn't want anything but what he wants. Everyone does, I suppose. Especially me. And I'm not up for it. Balance things out. He could've been realistic with me. Maybe he was and I ignored it because of my hormones and my lack of sleep and my PTSD with men lately. I just don't feel like giving anyone any more slack. That is all I have ever done; pick up the slack for everyone else and lose my own shit. Again I have lost everything, or maybe I didn't--- I didn't have a lot to lose in the first place.

So I am going to attempt an art piece today potentially... and I'm going to let go.

I'm just going to let go of all the fake friends, all the fake promises, all the emptiness. And he won't ever read this. He probably won't even realize I blocked him. He won't try to text or call. And there isn't a whole lot I can do but shrug, listen to some good music and keep on moving on.

I should've just kept it to myself. Or just tried going to sleep as soon as I kissed him at at the door.
Instead I admitted: Hey, I can't stand where I am and want to hide away for a little while with you.
He doesn't even get that it would take me pawning something of mine for the stupid gas money to get over to him. Or hours of walking. And I would just do it for a little time away from this room. From looking at Matt's stuff. To go to a place where I really feel safe. To sleep. To feel beautiful.

And I don't want a relationship with anyone, but I just really like him. I have since we met.

Last night. Looking right into his eyes. I didn't feel lovey-stupid, I felt like a person.

I guess I'm gonna try and write about it because I spent an hour getting ready hoping that maybe the lonely or shallow parts of him because hey we all have them, would give in. But he is setting boundaries.

He allowed me to explain that I haven't felt safe in so long. I haven't slept in so long. The closest I came was in his arms last night. And his honest word for word reply was: "I get it. And you look amazing. And I do get it. And I said I would try. And I know you don't want to be at home. We will see. But you need to understand no might be my answer and that is not a reflection of you."

I couldn't ask for a more honest, respectful answer. It just wasn't the one I wanted and I am never good at that.
I feel like a little girl. My eyes fill with involuntary tears.

"Hung up in the air"

Was that smell, tobacco and gain
Mixed with the chemistry of you
That used to dance around my bedroom
Cold winter nights, lingering
And like a fool I still wish love could fix it all
or that love could even sprout in any of this soil
But its necessity, and you don't necessarily need me
But I actually missed you
And beat myself up
Cried on the bathroom floor, syringe in my arm
After that last night I bought you dinner
Chinese food in the bedroom with no furniture
But that bed was sacred, trashed with secrets
I still felt like I mattered
I thought you saw me too
Maybe you never really have before
I run my fingers so lightly on your neck
and watch as your eyes close, soothed
They always come back but I never thought you would
I hoped you would
I wresteled my own regrets
I looked away when we drove past your place
I want to whisper that I need you
but I don't really want to lose you again
Not when I just want to learn you as my friend
My body counts the seconds until your next touch

Ryan came back into my life. At the beginning of this year I was convinced I was falling in love with him but I chose heroin over him. After he had some pins removed from his leg in New Mexico he apologized to me for what had happened between us. He was stuck in Denver and finally made the effort to come see me tonight. We had sex yeah but he held me, he kissed me in such a comforting, familiar way.

coldplay, "fix you" is what was playing in my head as he held me. We both don't want a relationship but we want to have sex, cuddle, go out, and have space. I think this is just what we both need. I know that I spent all day evaluating what to do next and I have my answer.

"This mess was yours... now this mess is mine"

I am six weeks pregnant.

Matt pushed this on me. And then had a mental break down and had to have his sister-in-law come from California to get him.

I'm really tired.

But this mess was his, now this mess is mine. And I am going to love it, infinitely