My romance is falling flat.

Mostly because I have to realize that this relationship isn't just dating Luke; its dating Luke and Jayden. 

And as much as he seems perfect for me, he also seems like a Lance-in-Luke's clothing. Aka I can see how we would have heated arguments, I can see the seeds of drama waiting to be planted. I think we both aren't really engaging in the relationship for that reason as well, we sort of see we can push each other's buttons.

I also feel it when we have sex. No one, and I mean no one has been able to do that to me in bed since I was with Lance. Its so hot, I have moments when we are hanging out and I just want to rip his clothes off. I also got a chess app for my ipod touch so I could practice because like grown ups after I crawled into bed with him the other morning, we went downstairs, had a cup of coffee and played chess.

I went to bed early. I ended my toxic friendship with Jen and Chris, which was good. Upon telling Erin the truth she actually appreciated it and we're going to work on fixing our friendship. That means more to me than I realized. It was eating at me that he was stringing her along. 

(this turpentine chaser's got kick)

I don't even feel like getting dressed for school, I feel like a messy bun and sweats and not caring. My head isn't going to be in class; I'm in my own head right now trying to figure out what exactly that I want. 

(all I want are vows of silence now) I've typed/said that lyric a million times but I don't really. I want to speak to Lance sometimes. I want some perspective on the past. Here we are, a week later. I wish I could make a mix from my past; something that would make for some good reflection this morning. I do feel like its a new start, but I'm not sure in which way. 

My desire is to feel artsy, Ani Difranco - Swing

To feel the Brooklyn in my veins. To ride the train. Here it comes, the sincere desire to be... me again.

to forget wanting a man or a family or anything but my paint brush. 

I proved my potential for perfect step parent, for coolest girlfriend... but being sweet isn't necessary, giving him a hard time is.

I feel the magnetism, as he put it, has phased, and the situation falls flat. I feel better off alone though we just had sex yesterday and last night I made an amazingly fun intro for family night. The problem is I feel like a zombie. Maybe the effects of the lexapro have finally hit; I'm not overly excited or happy about anything and I don't mind. Being numb is a goal I have been trying to accomplish for years and yet just now it is finally easier than I ever expected.

Luke and I could totally fall in love... but we probably wont.

The dark passenger is satisfied... for now.

Though mine is unlike Dexter's, we all have one. Mine craves sex and pain killers. Though I left the second of the two at home, it was better for me. I was able to feel Luke; and understand part of him that hides behind a mask.

Behind those piercing eyes... hazel, orange, cat like... like mine.

I’m taking it slow
Feeding my flame
Shuffling the cards of your game
And just in time
In the right place
Suddenly I will play my ace

How do I play this? I know I am playing because it was the first time someone else bared all (or a lot more than expected) and I kept parts of myself hidden. Am I becoming better at lying, or just withholding my own truths? Am I starting to understand life from a different perspective? Or am I just watching too much Dexter? (My inner monologue is hilarious, though.)

I feel like I'm trying to shoot at the moon. The clouds engulfed the mountains as he drove me home after breakfast this morning and it seemed like a new day. 

Why has the happy, giddy feeling faded so quickly? But the desire to be with him is still strong. Someone to tear me apart again. That's the appeal (besides him living/working 15 feet from where I work)

He's also beautiful. 

Was his disclosure just a warning: he's got baggage to bring on this journey and I need to be prepared for it if I want to go forward? I have my own but it isn't like his. 

Now I'm told that this is life
Pain is just a simple compromise
So we can we get what we want out of it
Someone care to classify
Broken hearts and twisted minds
So i can find, someone to rely on,

And run to them
to them
Full speed ahead

I looked at him as we ate breakfast and thought; number 25. I don't want there to be a 26.

Can't this be the last stop on my trip alone?

Will I even let myself buy a ticket?

And as I wrote this he wrote something sweet and beautiful to me. And my heart races again. I keep seeing the image of him with his hair down, shirt off, those perfect lines of his strong shoulders and arms, his piercing eyes... and though I am trying to stay distracted, I wish I was kissing him right now. 

This week has been crazy in a good way.

#25 : Luke

Abso-fucking-lutely worth it in every sense of the word. Most funny, smart, ambitious, handsome, interesting, sexy, amazing guy I've come across in all of Arizona (with the exception of one other person). One awesome guy every year then, since I'm coming up on my two year anniversary here soon.

We're going there: Goo Goo Dolls - Slide

and I thought I was lucky finding someone with a job and a car... but successful, owns his own house, and a dog... and a son, which is fine with me... 

I can't mess this up. I can't mess this up. I can't mess this up.

Have you ever met someone you wanted to hold onto for dear life? Not in a clinger sense, but in a: I finally found you.

We took our time getting to know each other slowly, finally went on a date and it was like a dream. Those hazel green eyes, the way he says my name, his smile so bright it lights up the whole room even in the dark comedy club. His hand laced with mine felt fucking phenomenal. And when we stepped outside he just looked at me and said, "I don't know how to explain it, but this just feels right".

On the way to a job interview for a job I clearly won't be taking because why would I leave a job where my potential new boyfriend is the next door neighbor of the children I currently work with... I heard Kate Nash's song "Navy Taxi" for the first time in a long time

carry your bags in a Navy Taxi, man said, "take your time, love, 'cause you don't have to rush- cause its your life and its no one else's sweetheart-- don't let someone put you in a box"

So I am going to do this right because I want to hold onto this, this diamond in the rough, this beautiful light at the end of the tunnel of a year without Lance- a self destructive while attempting to be productive year of disappointment and hurt. 

When I told Luke I never let anyone touch my stomach and he did anyway really gently, he said something I don't think I've heard in years (if ever at all), "but you're beautiful just the way you are right now".

As Kate Nash said.... this time it'll be different, this time it will be different, this time it will be different.

it has to be.

"raise your glass to sorrow and drink to all the pain, tie a silver ribbon around the pieces that remain" - Natalie Imbruglia.

This was the nicest Sunday I've had in a long time.

Being alone isn't nearly as bad as I thought. Being surrounded with good friends vs. friends who use me make a huge difference.

I feel at peace.

Been attempting to journal every day but my lack of an ipod/the shoulder injury that is causing nerve damage to my entire right side literally cripples me when I'm writing by hand. Then the tears pour out.

I've been prone to the most awful anxiety lately.

when I had him clearly I was fighting it. My soul knows that this is really necessary alone time. 

I am starting to realize that after my abortion, I've been using drugs and sex/men in general to distract me from the pain. I've been holding on to shreds of a former existence because I miss who I was (buying an xbox 360 just because I wanted to play Left 4 Dead because I miss Lance-- but why do I miss someone who never appreciated me, abused and used me in every way possible... is it because I was a teenage girl and took what I got? And gave a lot of shit?)

What happened to me? What happened to the me who loved to write, who used to spend time on art, listening to music... even the books I've been reading lately have curved with my life..

"Wind in time
Rapes the flower trembling on the vine
Nothing yields to shelter it
From above
They say temptation will destroy our lives
The never ending hunger"

I really fear I have nothing to give. 

Every time I feel like I am coming to some sort of cathartic breakthrough where I can really spit out what's going on and work on it without resorting to negative means, I wind up distracted... I just want to be a better version of me.

Forced writing never feels as good. I have this desire for creation and destruction at the same time. I'm debating whether or not I should get up and put something together. Things are literally falling off my book case including my latest award from ASU, Blue-Rays I'll never watch again, and my regret stacks up in a similar fashion. I'm working too hard to make myself believe that this is the only person who will ever accept me for exactly who I am right now and its starting to wear on me. Even though I sincerely have feelings for you, I ultimately am always trying to save someone and I'm tired. I don't want to take care of anyone but myself. Today was disheartening and I keep trying to remind myself: Creativity takes courage.

It does, and its one of those, "nut-up-or-shut-up" moments. I'm struggling to be true to myself.

23 year old me doesn't want 22 year old me's drama.

I finished the novel, The Lie by Chad Kultgen. I also read his first novel, The Average American Male. Both have given me a more raw perspective on life that is hard to ignore.

Now the debate begins as to what I should create and how.

Being alone is cheaper. Self preservation tastes like a glass of ice water.

Started a new job at Massage Envy working the front desk. I am already kicking ass at sales and I've only been there a week.

Started dating a massage therapist/marine who works there; he's the lead therapist actually so a supervisor, and a really sweet guy. His name is Andreas.

I picked up Sammy's ashes. I got a new cat named Isla, she's barely a year old grey and white and she's my little princess. I am head over heels in love with her already. She woke me up to rub and love on me this morning, it was great. I really needed a heart animal right now-- when we got her, we went to the shelter to adopt a different kitten but she looked at me, I looked at her and that was it. Love at first sight. Drowsey's doing alright with adjusting.

School is alright. My friendship with Emily is coming to a close.

I made friends with the manager at the other location, her name is Amy. She is really awesome.

I got some legal funding but not a lot. I intend on getting a new bed next week and that's about it besides paying bills.

My ex David (Jester) had the balls to show up here yesterday with the police to try and take home my PS3 and Flat screen tv. I told the officers they were mine and they told him to take me to court. I listened to the officers telling him outside that he can't illegally use my address and that most likely he's going to lose in court. I over heard him saying his current girlfriend would pay to sue me for him. My mom went to the office and watched the officers leave-- then watched as Geneva walked over to my mother's car, wrote the plate info down and threatened to key it/pop the tires-- in front of management. I called and filed a police report against them.

It isn't what I needed right now. It really dragged me back to being sad in a way I thought I was finished with.

I have work at 2:45... so I'm just hanging out, trying to be calm and get ready to kick ass tonight.

On Wednesday night/Thursday morning my cat Sammy died... I had him since I was 8 years old. That's 15 years.

Will post more later. Heartbroken.