Sunday I went to bed early. Got up, went to my new doctor. I like him a lot. He gave me my scripts and told me I should be premed. This has crossed my mind before, with the whole ER-rerunwatching thing. Sammy needs fluids at home, I'm actually typing this while giving him an IV bag at home.

I spent last night with Tim. We had sex twice which was nice... nothing spectacular but nothing bad. Cuddling was good. Erin and I got our nails done today. Esai and I went to training at Job #2. I start Job #1 (Massage Envy) at 8am tomorrow yay waking up early and taking the bus. So I gotta go give Sam some fluids before I get comfey. 

A conversation between Chester and I this morning via Facebook chat:

Chester: Oh yeah?

even without medication I've become a lot calmer which is a good thing

I hate to say it but Bubba dying centered me.

Helped me come to terms with a lot of things and a lot of people quickly, including Lance.

Because him and I finally spoke after like months of silence

remember ******************** he doesnt ever really want to speak to me again because of it.

Which is fine

but I put a lot to rest

Chester: Well that's good for you.

Me: Look, there isn't much I can do to help you

Chester:Seems like the last week and a half have just kicked ass for you.

No I know.

Me: except for remind you

that you have the capability to help yourself.

you don't need to be high school drop out forever. You can change things.

If you want to go in, okay, I'll be there for you

but if you have a job

a steady one

then couch hop.

Save money

Work hard

don't buy beer

or anything else for anyone

care only about you

because parents, life, friends, lovers; all prove one thing over and over again

Only rely on yourself

So I said to myself: I don't want this. I don't want this drama, I don't want these friends, I don't want this reputation, I don't want this heartache, I don't want to be broke or have to take the bus, I don't want to sacrifice walking in my own college graduation after years and years of hard work and honors

What can I do?

Well my mom can't find a job.

so I need to do what Ive always done, work as hard as I can

Chester: Like, well, you've always done.

Me: 

Exactly. Like I've always done. But this time not for anyone else.

Not for my grandparents or my mother (partly for her but not really because I'm pretty sure we are coming to the point where she has to separate from me because I can stay here and make it and I want to)

I'm doing this for me because I want to survive. Because I want to live life even if it comes with terrible pain- thats it.

its stupid, but Ke$ha's lyric got me...

I'm getting it exact hold one sec

Ok.

"I'm not asleep. I'm up for the fight. Into the magic- and I don't want the concrete. I am alive, (that) comes with the tragic"

for some reason that really got me. (if you wanna listen to it its the Billboard mix of the song "Animal"

its pretty.

Also, her other song called "Crazy beautiful life"

it starts with: "I'm in love alright with my crazy, beautiful life, with the parties, the distasters..." but it has a better point

...?

(insert the whole song here)

the point to that song: is at least we try

so that's what is keeping me together- it might not help

but, I'm not going down without a fight any more

I've done it too many times, I've laid myself out for people to use, abuse, walk all over and Everyone including my own mother has done it and taken advantage of me

so I choose now to live for Katie. Because there's a lot of good worth living for.

and even I'm sitting here going: who the fuck thought I would EVER say something like that.

Chester: I've always imagined it coming from you at some point.

---

I took the bus to the mall and met Erin yesterday. While shopping Massage Envy called me back and offered me a second interview at 7 last night. I took it, kicked its ass and pending a background check (which my background is perfect) I've got the job. The manager was super cool and is excited to work with me. The place is only a 6 min bus ride away. I'm going to make this work.

Rob never called or texted me after that night, which is confusing- He was so sweet and said he'd let me know. I didn't text again and two days later I called and it went straight to voicemail. Maybe he's been partying with his cousin. Either way he hasn't been home either... hopefully he will reappear and we can talk about what was up, if not it was nice to know that I do have the potential to go out with a man who will open doors for me and respect me.

I got to play dress up at Erin's after the interview- I LOVE having a friend the same size as me it kicks ass, I've never had someone to trade clothes with before. Check out my facebook page for the awesome random dresses. 

My 15 year old cat is giving up on life because Bubba has never returned. I'm really frustrated because he is fine physically and is just beyond depressed. I'm going to spend a boat load of money I don't have on either putting him down and breaking my heart again or putting him on antidepressants.

Its alright, "When everything is wrong, we move along"

"Man was cursed with a mental wattage that overlit the squalid sublet of this pointless life. That wattage turned good men into serial murderers, pedophilic stalkers, and assorted cult members. Drugs and booze were shades and tints designed to dim that needless beam of consciousness," - Arthur Nersesian

Well good morning blogland. Since Facebook is down and I really wanted to put that quote up I'm blogging... and with my mac in my lap- not something I often do. I washed my sheets and favorite blanket last night so sleep was delishhhhhh and my bed is super cozy, I've got this thing that looks like a giant make up applicator triangle but its a wedge pillow (and it vibrates for back massage purposes Oooooo) The lighting is so perfect in my room right now, I haven't really been up before ten lately but not necessarily in the way you'd think- I've been up at 3 am, 6am, and stayed up until 9am and fallen back to sleep.

First off I was tired of the bullshit with my extensions, they were doing the opposite of what they were supposed to- my hair looked awful and I felt awful. At 5pm I was watching My Fair Wedding again with my mom and said screw it- and called as many salons as I could. One down the block said they could take me in 15 minutes so I went over. I told the hairdresser the story of David and how I needed a fresh start. They totally pampered me, did my eyebrows for free, got the stupid extensions out and gave me a phenomenal haircut. I still have length, its pretty much to my shoulders and I feel fantastic. I can't believe how happy I am without them. So... Tuesday night/Wednesday at 2:30 my mom hears what sounds like two gun shot shots go off. Our neighborhood is way too nice for that stuff... so of course she wakes me up, we run outside (and horray, my hair is still done!) and there is a giant cloud of black smoke. A couple of my neighbors from the complex come out too. One fire engine showed up and one cop car- a Denali magically blew itself up according to Mr. I-look-like-I'm-12-but-I'm-a-police-officer-I-swear. The genius asked us all if it was our car or if we knew who's car it was and we all looked at each other baffled- YEP that's my car and instead of freaking out I'm gonna stand in the cold with my neighbors. Well I talked to one of them, 6'1 well built, blonde hair blue eyed guy and we clicked. It turned out he lives in my building not directly above me, but in the apartment behind that, facing the canal. My luck and upstairs neighbors! As we were walking up the stairs I said, "see you soon!" and quietly he said, "I hope so"... my mom caught it and said, "Did you hear that?" so just how I made friends with my previous neighbors I went inside, wrote a little note with my number and said text me. And the next afternoon he did. Of course to make my blog more confusing his name just so happens to be Rob. Yes, I dated a Rob in October. Not the same guy.

I went on a job interview with Massage Envy and I really want that job so bad, its the pay I need ($14/hr) its down the block so I can take the bus there-- my car is officially done, its a Sales position which I love, and I kicked major ass at the interview. Anyway, after that I went out to lunch with Rabbit (Emily) and we did some good talking/soul searching. Though my mother and I have made this plan to leave Arizona if I get this job- I don't want to. I want to be able to graduate from ASU and actually walk. I want to pick where I want to go not where my mom wants to go. But, I want to live in the same city with her and if she can't get a job here, what can we do? Anyway, I got at the very least the rent covered til April. This is the first financial aide check that I haven't been able to actually buy a new bra, buy new clothes (I mean I got one pair of clearance jeans and sweats which was nice) or even perfume and that blows. A lot.

Anyway... still in all after hanging with Emily I came home and Rob came over. We sat and talked for hours, apparently he's in the wine industry and long story short has met all of the awesome chefs I love from the Food Network and Top Chef... and even had his own restaurant in Houston. He obviously has a lot of money but that never mattered much to me. He's 32 (so 10 years older) and I wasn't crazy insanely attracted to him, but we got along so well. In my head (now I'm admitting it here because its Xanga and its my journal so I should be able to) I looked at him- without really knowing the whole story, who could in 3 hours? but it felt like it did when I had sex that time and went in the bathroom and sat down and was like, "I just got pregnant" (and it turned out that was the EXACT time I did) I looked at him and thought, "I can see myself marrying this man". Now that is super heavy and could totally just be from days of wedding shows, but there have been stories on these shows where the women have admitted that there was just something that said to them he was the one, or that a specific dress was the one, and honestly, my head was going: Slow the hell down because he very well could be. 

He's financially independent, creative, smart, funny, classy... extremely handsome. But let me slow my roll and get back to writing about what happened. At around 9 he finally asked me if he could have the pleasure of taking me out for a drink so I got dressed and he pulled out of a garage in a black Mercedes SUV type vehicle that was one of THE nicest cars I've been in since being in Sammy's Audi. He got out, came around, told me I looked beautiful and opened the door for me. Already I was impressed. We got drinks at the bar and of course Brian called, so I had to step out and answer him. He told me he really isn't interested in a relationship or me moving to Colorado if it isn't for better reasons other than him, so I decided I'd back off. I told him I was out with my girlfriends- I didn't want to upset him and at that point even though my brain said this guy is awesome, we had only talked in a friendly way and hadn't even touched flirtatiously whatsoever. 

After a couple of drinks we both realized we were hungry and decided to get In&Out burger before going back to the apartment. He whipped out a hundred dollar bill to pay for four drinks at a really casual bar (there were a few in that really expensive wallet too which was like wow, AND he's treating. I guess I haven't dated nice guys before really) We drove through and got burgers, then came back to my apartment. We threw on Chopped and ate and laughed, then made the plan that I was going to take a quick shower, he was gonna get comfy clothes and we were going to cuddle up and watch a movie. So this was probably 11:30ish. At midnight I opened my futon and set it up so we could watch the movie and cuddle, he chose The Dark Knight. Then finally, the first flirtatious move was made- I leaned my head on his extremely toned arm and melted like butter in a really hot pan. Honestly, I guess the two drinks were enough because I don't generally drink but him and I got so comfortable. Then we laid down and I fell asleep in his arms... then I woke up and realized it was 2am and he was asleep too. I turned over and kissed him. He woke up and kissed me back, and there it was- the spark I was hoping for. Gently he ran his hands up and down my body and then whispered, "I have to go". I asked him to stay but he wanted to be a gentleman and 1. Not have sex on the first date (and boy were we going to get there fast because man things were perfect) and 2. Not sleep over the first time hanging out. I felt a HUGE amount of respect for him for saying that, and leaving though it was rough for us both. When we stood up I had to stand on my tip toes to kiss him which I really liked. He texted me when he got home that he had a great time. He also left a cozy shirt here. 

I had plans with Emily to go to this job interview at an indoor inflatable play place but she bailed last minute. Another friend of mine was on facebook and I asked his opinion on whether or not I should go because I had recommended her and got her the interview- he asked to come with me instead. He did and besides a short sit down with the manager, we got to run around on these giant inflatables for 20 minutes playing tag, sliding, basketball, then doing an obstacle course (which I failed at) The great part was everyone who was interviewing was cool and we all teamed up and did relay races and other fun games. After that we hung out while each person got interviewed separately and I really hit it off with another girl there named Corey. Erin and Chris were planning to come over for movie night and Esai was going to join too so I invited her. I am so glad I did! She was so much fun to spend time with and we got to hang out alone for about an hour, she followed Esai and I back to my apartment then he went home to change from basketball shorts to regular pants (since we all had to dress comfy for the jumpy interview) She's really intelligent and even though she lives 40 minutes away, she's totally worth being friends with. Everyone arrived and we had pizza and cake, smoked and laughed our asses off and even though it was movie night we never put a movie on. Rob was supposed to spend time with me when he got home late but his phone died when he was trying to get a ride from his cousin so I think he just crashed over there. 

For some reason Emily's being bitchy and its probably because I called out her girlfriend on being an amazing person-- that is dissociative. Oh well. I'm just really happy right now. I'm going to keep plugging away at looking for a job, dealing with my shoulder the best I can and moving forward. This song fits perfectly.

Ke$ha : Crazy Beautiful Life Lyrics

I'm in love, alright
With my crazy, beautiful life
With the parties, the disasters
With my friends all pretty & plastered

Every night we're down to go out
Waking up on a different couch
'Til the next night on the next flight
Yeah, I guess we're doing alright

Oh, oh, oh
We're falling in love
Oh, oh, oh
'Til the sun's coming up
Oh, oh, oh
Just living the life
Oh, oh, oh

Every single night we fight
To get a little high on life
To get a little something right
Something real, at least we try

Time after time
Trash talking all the douche-bag guys
Try trading all the wasted times
For something real in this crazy life

I just hope some people see
There's nothing that I'm trying to be
Let me just stop all the shit talk
I know I'm the new bitch on the block

I've been through my sketchy phases
Been broke, been a shitty waitress
But I'm not now, guess it worked out <---- its getting there.
Got here by running my mouth

Every single night we fight
To get a little high on life
To get a little something right
Something real, at least we try

Time after time
Trash talking all the douche-bag guys
Try trading all the wasted times
For something real in this crazy life

Every single night we...

Every single night we fight
To get a little high on life
To get a little something right
Something real, at least we try

Time after time
Trash talking all the douche-bag guys
Try trading all the wasted times
For something real in this crazy life

so it was a rough week. My mom was supposed to drive me to my doctor's appointment but didn't and because I was crying over my cat, the PA wanted to put me on a 10 day psych hold. I explained I had been sitting and thinking over things all alone the entire time they kept me waiting, but it didn't seem to matter to him. He told me if I didn't show up the next day to see the doctor that I would no longer be a patient. I was then on my way out warned by a nurse that they were going to involuntarily take me away if I did come back and it would be better to just not show up. I don't understand why-- I wasn't suicidal or wanting to hurt others, I was just sad over how the last 90 days of my life have been.

I spent time with some friends and did a lot of sleeping. Lance and I spoke for the first time in months, he sent me pictures of Shmee and his condolences about Bubba. He explained he needed his space to move on and thus we couldn't talk on a regular basis. I said I understood.

I spoke to Brian over the phone from Afghanistan. I had taken some xanax that night just to try and get some rest so I don't remember the entire conversation except for that he got really sweet at the end and told me he loved me very much. 

Chester began talking to me again also upon finding out that my cat passed. He came and slept over just as friends and we watched a movie... it was awkward because he is still very much in love with me and tried cuddling me tight when we went to sleep. I was having none of it.

Saturday night I was Tim was supposed to sleep over but I had gotten really tired and fell asleep waiting for him and then got a text that he was exhausted too. I woke up Sunday angry at life and at Lindsey for ignoring me and using me after I had been such a good friend, so I wrote her a message and told her what I really think-- it wasn't even that mean, it said I thought she was a great person with an excellent heart but her selfishness was unfair. She of course blew it out of proportion. I moved my furniture a little so my room looks better which made me feel like a new person. My mom and I watched TV and laughed as much as possible. We decided this will be my last semester here and we're going to move to Colorado Springs. When Brian gets out of the Army he wants to perhaps try again with me and even if a relationship with him is unsuccessful he has always been like family to me. Though I long for the ocean, I also am longing for the outdoors which I know will be beautiful there. I can switch my degree to the complete online program through ASU and move anyway.

Tim actually did come over last night after all, had some pizza with me and we watched the movie Drag Me To Hell. It wasn't bad at all... we threw on the original version of Dawn of the Dead before bed and kissed. Something about it sucked. Him and I had such awesome chemistry just a couple of months ago. I guess it was because David kissed me exactly the way I had always wanted to be kissed. Every single time was dreamy and the world would fade away. Though I do not miss him at all, the kiss with Tim wasn't the way I wanted it to be. Maybe my libido isn't totally back yet but sex didn't even feel great (yeah there goes my resolution of being celibate but no worries protection was used) - there was nothing bad about it, he has an amazing body and I loved touching him, I enjoyed feeling him kissing me and touching me but there wasn't anything spectacular about it. Not the way it was when we had first met at least. I am wondering if its the meds I've taken lately, the hormones balancing out, or maybe I wasn't really ready to have sex again so soon. Anyway... he fell asleep and then I laid there thinking about it and decided to try again, to see if I could get excited enough but it fell flat. I let him fall back to sleep and wound up going to the kitchen and eating some ice cream with my mom (go figure right) before getting back in bed and watching tv as he snored. The best part of the whole thing was in the morning the room had gotten really cold and I asked him to cuddle with me-- him and I usually just sleep next to each other never really do the holding thing. And until we start to fool around we don't kiss, don't sit coupley- its really extremely friends only. Anyway he did and it seemed kind and sincere. That ten minutes made me feel better about the world and life and that some how even though this was not the man of my dreams and probably won't even be the man I get to see again for another week or more if that and most certainly won't be the man that holds me without me asking first, there is something about me worth taking the time to know and love and hold and make safe.

Even though my day should've been spent doing personal things for me, I had to drive my mother to get her teaching license renewed. I got several phone calls and two job interviews- one for cashier/sales clerk at Massage Envy which would be awesome and then the other is a team member for a place called Pump it Up! Basically its a Discovery Zone type place for kid's birthday parties where everything is inflatable and awesome. They both sound good and it would be nice to have both to be honest because we need the money to save for this move. We are signing a 7 month lease so the move will most likely take place in August.

We had to pick up Bubba's ashes today. They included a piece of plaster that before they creamated him, they made a little imprint of his paw for us and wrote his name next to it as a gift to us. When I saw this I broke down so hard- I knew it was his little paw and it hurt a lot. I haven't been able to eat since we picked it up, his nice little urn is sitting on our mantle and it sucks big time. My mother and I watched a few wedding shows-- I can't stand that she loves them and has gotten me into things like "Say Yes to the Dress" and "My Fair Wedding with David Tutera" but they are good shows and ultimately I try and ignore the wedding part and think mostly about my opinion of the fashion. She's gone back to her room though and my head hurts so now I'm left to decide what to do with the rest of my night.

my cat Bubba died suddenly on Wednesday.

My mother and I are heart broken

so much for being happy again

So I've been feeling more and more like myself. Last night an old friend-with-benefits texted me. He moved down the block from me. We were sleeping together and had amazing chemistry for two and a half months and then Halloween season was in swing. I got the job at the haunt and he was working 2 jobs and going to school. With my interning and my interests in the guys I was working with, we decided to end it but remained friends. He fell for an old flame back home in Wisconsin and when I broke up with the first guy from the haunt, I texted him and asked if we could hook up again. He said he was going to try to stay true to her and go home to see her over Christmas. I respected him, moved on to Mr. Big Mistake (David/Jester) and Tim went on with life. That girl wound up to be engaged to another guy and he had the pleasure of finding out over the holidays, then he got laid off of one of the two jobs. I guess I wasn't the only one who had a shitty December. Anyway, he told me about moving closer and asked if he could come spend the night. I told him I wasn't really able to have sex but he could come over if he wanted to watch a horror movie.

He said yes and showed up at like 11. We smoked and talked and laughed. I remembered who I was before the stupid haunt drama and felt more comfortable in my own skin. I told him what happened and he understood which was cool, and told me he wouldn't mind waiting until I felt ready again. We kissed and cuddled and laughed. He ran his fingers along my collar bone, my neck and chest... it felt good to feel alive again. Especially because I got to laugh and be myself. 

My insurance is still not back and I have to put off this shoulder surgery again. I'm pretty sure I am going to ditch it all together (again) and just try to find a job. I'm tired of being at home. I'm still talking to my first boyfriend, Brian, and working on our friendship as well. I still feel like when its all said and done, he probably is the man I should marry. He understands me better than anyone else and after all of these years we have this odd gravitational pull towards each other.

I went to planned parenthood today and got my official empty uterus ultrasound. Everything went well and I felt like a zillion pound weight was off my shoulders. I also was told I can have sex as soon as I am ready. I started the pill again and got a bunch of condoms. No more stupid sex, regardless of who its with it won't be unprotected until I'm married. I learned a huge lesson.

But my libido has come back and Tim is going to come sleep over again this week. I'm sincerely excited about it- he makes me feel normal again. He reminds me I don't have to have a relationship, I don't have to be a slut, I can really just be me and work on my shit first and foremost. I'm sort of glad it wound up this way after all.

I'm even feeling good enough to listen to up beat music andddd dance around my room. I'm a goober, I know.

I'm spending my days filling the hours

Spending each hour filling the minutes

Trying to make the minutes pass

Without memories of what it felt like

When you kissed me in the cold moonlight

And under stars and black sky that stretched for miles

You told me what are now obvious lies

That were so beautiful, my head danced with fantasy

Of what we would become as forever lay at our feet

But growing inside of me was a seed of carelessness

The winnings of an immature contest

I did anything to win; and win I did

That very first night I took him home it blossomed there

Deep within the hollows of my mind I knew

The second I felt that gush of finality

And this seed grew wretched with impurity

And tore my body to pieces with its grasp

Until the doctors told me that it was not growing well

Something was inherently wrong as it built up its fortress

And as it grew it wound thorny vines through my thoughts

The punishment of my selfishness worse than 25 to life

And though I missed the softness of his lips against mine

I could no longer look into the eyes of this lonely man

And with that I sealed our fate and said goodbye

With out a fight he went back to his own prison cell

Trapped behind innocent brown eyes he lives

Each day another lie in a comfortable web

A pointless slave to an ugly soul

And there is no prize, no comfort in this change

I expelled the seed from my womb and scarred my own heart

Christmas brought the gift of regret and sorrow

And the new year laid a new seed at my feet

One to plant in the garden of my mind

Lessons learned, though they sting as they start to stick

The days pass and this empty feeling

Sends me wandering the maze of a heart you forgot you claimed 

Alright, though I don't much feel like talking about it because it blows, I suppose I'll cover what happened briefly and then go on to my book review.

Not only did David not show up to take care of me during the abortion, he went back to the girl I originally stole him from. The pathetic, disgusting girl that sits at home all year waiting for Halloween haunt season. The girl he complained about to everyone about hating, being controlled by her, her disgusting dogs, and the whole nine yards. He is living with her. I am a mixture of infuriated, feeling absolutely stupid and sad. I'm getting over it. Besides the fact that I am glad to be back to getting healthy-- I literally lost 17 pounds in 8 days while pregnant from the severe all-day-sickness... I am glad I didn't subject a child to having a disgusting, pathetic, dead-beat father. I actually feel sorry for the child David does have- and only happy for the fact that his exgirlfriend (mother of his child) was smart enough to move on and marry another man.

I just finished reading "Unlubricated" by Arthur Nersesian. I think its beyond fucking cool that I am friends with one of my favorite authors on facebook and he actually answers. I wrote him a really sincere message thanking him for his books. I went shopping for new books and realized that I have read 99% of amazon's recommendations for me in the last three years. That's a lot of books. A lot of good books. I don't have many in my collection though because I feel that giving a friend a good book is meaningful. Books can be better than friends; they are reliable, they can comfort you and take you away from wherever you are into a better place. I am proud of the fact that I love to read. I'm starting to get comfortable in my own skin again.

I'm currently reading, "Company" by Max Barry. I liked "Syrup" a lot (also by Barry) and what's awesome is the copy I have of "Company" just so happens to be signed by the author (I don't think I'll lend this one out) What I like about Barry, Nielan (The author of "Apathy and other small victories") and Nersesian is their ability to make me laugh out loud, to really captivate me with just words. I have this craving to be alone- if I could find a job that would allow me to live on my own that would be amazing not because I dislike living with my mother, but because I'm in the mind frame of missing my independence. I sincerely want a full time well paying job again like Citi was back in the way. I don't really want to move east- if i did I would go home and no place else. I would really like to move to northern California, Oregon or Washington. I sincerely want to go to Seattle the most to study at the University of Washington. 

I'm at the end of my extensions and its about time to redo them. I am at this odd point in my life where I care less about my appearance- not in a sloppy way but I am not desperate to lose weight. I am fine with my size. I am also not desperate to have long perfect hair- its been a pain in the ass and I am considering letting them all fall out and then just getting a short hair cut and attempting to start over. My nails are the longest they have ever been in my entire life without fake ones on top of them. Its strange actually, they are strong and beautiful just like my Nana's used to be. 

What's funny is my mother told my ex- the one I lost my virginity to, my first boyfriend ever, about the abortion. I was so hurt and shocked that she would do that, and figured he would never want to speak to me let alone ever consider getting back together with me ever again. I was disappointed because some how I always thought him and I would give it a second go at some point. I wound up speaking to him and he told me he too has made a series of dumb decisions. He was really just concerned with how I am emotionally and physically. He said he would like to come to Arizona when his tour is over to spend some time with me. Before the stupid haunted house him and I had started talking about a future again and I feel bad for just shoving him to the side. His character impresses me. I still want to be alone, but I am alright with the idea of seeing him again. Then again when I go to the grocery store and see all different types of guys its a reminder that the options are endless. My libido is returning and I am ignoring it for the first time ever; being sexual right now is not something I want with anyone. I guess this new year will be about finding myself and not thinking so much about others.

so today's the day. The appointment is at 1pm. I'm doing this via the abortion pill so at least I get to be at home. I am at peace, I did some major life editing this morning after puking up bile again... I went back to facebook and removed my relationship and over 135 friends that were not really friends, I pulled myself out of dramatic groups/circles of people and decided I can only go forward.

David gave me a really hard time on the phone and I'm actually glad he isn't coming.

I spent time with Emily last night and she made me laugh. I felt like myself again and that meant a lot to me. 

I deactivated my facebook. Step 1 in the journey towards ridding my life of unnecessary drama. David was planning on coming to be with me during the abortion. I asked him not to.