After less than a month of being in a relationship with David, I need time away from him and don't know how to ask him for it. I went for my shoulder surgery on Tuesday only to find out they would not preform it because I am pregnant. At first, I thought my only option was to keep it... David has a 5 year old son he loves to death. Then the weight of not being able to graduate college with one damn semester left, having no money, another year of pain with my shoulder became overwhelming and I felt disgusted every time he touched me. One of our friends came over that night and because she is closer friends with him, I left them alone to play PS3. I then decided that I could be a good mother, I could swing the finances-- but I'm not ready. This is not how I pictured my life unfolding-- or who I pictured having a child with. In the grocery store I saw a buff, white man that reminded me of Lance and my heart broke. I still have feelings for him whether I like it or not. I was so physically ill the next day that I was uncontrollably vomiting, my face swelled up and my entire chest got red. We went to the ER and the doctor explained that because of my high blood pressure my kidneys are working extra hard and are dumping proteins into my urine and blood stream. They told me I'll be a high risk pregnancy from now on, and that most likely I wont be able to do anything in my 3rd trimester. When we got home two hours and two bags of fluids/nausea medication later, I ate fine and we watched Amazing Wedding Cakes. Couple after happy couple ordered their cakes and finally I broke down and told him because of the risks, my health, not being able to control my blood pressure (I'm on two meds for it that would endanger the baby)  just everything- I couldn't do it. He agreed and said I was his number one concern but-- after being supportive and speaking to me about the decision, that was it. He put on this mask of perfection.

I feel like the relationship is over, that quickly.

Only problem is he is living with me and my mom and doesn't really have many options.

life is too short to live and deal in lies; there's something about this song and the way I wrote your name on the page. I know this is too good to be true-- you always say the right things and life isn't that easy. I've lived through enough to know better than this. 

"this is our last chance so give me your hand cause our world is spinning at the speed of light the night is fading, now just come and love me like we're gonna die"

these mornings are almost cold enough that when I close my eyes I can almost feel like I'm back home, still bright eyed with teenage rebellion crusted on the corners of my mouth. Are we just a synthesized song, the mediocre voice masked by echos and robotic beats? 

tomorrow morning I'll pick you up and you'll kiss me, a procrastinated kiss that I crave more than any drug.

I wake up to a rainy, cloudy morning wishing I was in your arms. Time becomes shredded fragments, memories of beautiful sadness and elastic romances before you. The days get colder and my love becomes an ocean with unparalleled depths (He might just be everything I ever needed) When we dive down through it, will it matter when we can't come up for air? 

Caramel colored skin and each kiss feels like ecstasy; sometimes we move in slow motion and we're living in another movie scene. This time we are standing between the second and third floors of my apartment building on the other side, facing the north, looking at the black night sky and headlights from cars coming over the little hill. We are talking about how we got to this moment and it washes over me; the feeling that I am no longer homesick. Inside of you I have found the place where I belong. Your fingers interlace with mine and on every single star I wished that our love would never fade. 

We laugh and the sound is beautiful, I choke hard on silly words sometimes. We cry and the sound is beautiful, still; you kiss away tears from my cheeks and listen to painful shards of my past. You tell me your memories as I imagine the way things were for you-- I close my eyes sometimes and try hard to picture the California sky. 

I look at my claddagh ring, turned with the heart pointing in and I know its true. You've captured my heart in the blink of an eye the way a camera captures moments for us to hold onto. All at once I find peace with my past because I know I made it through all of the suffering, all of the sacrifice so I could be this version of me- so I could find you here and now- though we once lived on opposite sides of the country, probably in reality what was more like opposite sides of the world, here we are. Together. 

I struggle to write out the words because the feeling is overwhelming and indescribable. 

I broke up with nut job Rob and stole someone's boyfriend. His name is David, but everyone calls him by his character's name, Jester.

Time slows down and my bed becomes the center of the universe as I run my fingers through dark purple curls. Looking into chocolate brown eyes as you lifted my hand to your lips I can feel the butterflies bubble up inside of me. You're like the drum beat of a song, the kind I listen for every time; in the background you're holding everyone together. We broke you out, set you loose with all of your friends warmly accepting your arrival. The leash you were on left a ring around your neck, but I can hide that with little bite marks and lipstick smudges. And we're at the party with everyone we know, everyone wants to take a shot with you, talk to you, see how you are now that she's not breathing over your shoulder- but you're looking at me, with those eyes that say: take me home with you tonight. And my answer is yes. It always was.

We went outside to talk and the weather finally has started to cool down, it is almost beginning to feel like fall. You pushed the hair out of my eyes and tucked it behind my ears as you let the moonlight sweep over my face mixed with lights from the parking lot structure, you told me I was beautiful. I believed it. You kissed me, and almost every time you do before you're about to stop you would bite my lower lip and send little chills up my spine. And leaving took an hour simply because everyone wanted us to stay, wanted to take more shots with us and laugh with us and snap pictures and jump on the beds of the hotel room together. But then there you were, sliding into the seat next to me. I couldn't believe we pulled it off. And driving to my house, that long drive home where I had to keep the wheel steady as my heart raced- you told me about how you had left and how you couldn't be happier.

Getting to the apartment, clothing on my floor in 30 seconds flat we were kissing and crashing into each other like ocean waves. And that moment we finally fell into each other felt natural, like it was always supposed to be that way. And you kept me up all night, telling me sweet nothings with Jack Daniel's on your breath. Telling me things like, "I always wanted to wake up next to you"... and I would say, "then you have to let me sleep first.." The laughter was constant, holding hands and kisses kisses kisses. The morning came and soberly you kissed my forehead and said, "I'm so happy."

I had to run errands for my mom and you came along. Outside of the grocery store you spun me around like we were dancing and kissed me this long, sensual kiss and I could feel people watching us. You carried groceries and kissed me in every isle we went down. You held my hand and stood in a long line with me to get bagels, you drank orange juice and told me about growing up in California. We both miss the ocean, the shore, the sound of the water rushing in- missing two different oceans together made us smile.

And we spent an entire day of talking, learning each other, making love and laughing. Putting on movies and ignoring them because we talked, kissed, played, poked and tickled each other. Learning each other's bodies, backgrounds, and different struggles. You spent one more night with me but this time only woke me up once and my body felt sore and spent as we fell asleep tangled together. Waking up next to you, I knew it would be a little while before it could happen again and I didn't want to move. I wanted to stay right there in bed with you infinitely.

But we had to, you had to get to your brother-in-laws house an hour away from my apartment. The entire time you were with me she was threatening to file a missing person's report if you didn't come back; and you said, "But I'm not lost, I'm found," and looked right into my eyes when you said it. Sweet nothings in spanish, we went to IHOP on our first date- you folded up the check for me and said keep it for your memory box. Kissing at the gas pump we got told to get a room, laughed our way through the drive. Both of us dreading the idea of parting.

Outside of the car we stood kissing and hugging and whispering this isn't goodbye, its see you later... we'll be together again soon. I only want you. Just you.

so now I have a new boyfriend named Rob. We've been together for the last three weeks... Doing everything together-- sleeping at each other's houses, etc for days and days now.

And we are now coming to the point where I'm not sure where to begin.

Cathy M., one of the girls that is a member of OPhiA, asked me if I wanted to catch up yesterday so I went to Tempe to get her. Tempe Town Lake is dry, its so weird to see after I guess the dam broke.. We talked on the ride and wound up at PV mall. I had a really great time; we had a good lunch, cleared up some shit from the past, updated each other on life.. I bought new tongue rings, a ceshire cat magnet, silly bandz for Laura, new heals from Charlett Rousse, and some antibacterial stuff from Bath and Body Works. Afterwards we went to the adult shop, Fascinations, in Tempe. I got a fantasy starter kit with handcuffs, a blind fold and a whip for me and Tim to play with. After a really long day of laughing with Cathy I got home around 6:30 and got to have dinner and catch up with my mom. I played Dominion with Chris and Mike and won before leaving for Tim's house. We have such a fucking amazing time together... I swear just thinking about it makes my legs shake. Anyway.. we watched Hell Ride, which was weird because one of the character's is The Gent (Lance was called this by his friends since his last name is Jent).. Tim and I got to talk a little about our pasts, our likes and dislikes, etc. I told him I was worried since I hadn't ever just dated someone, I've either been someone's girlfriend or a one-night stand. He told me not to worry and was sweet to me as usual, so much sweeter than Lance ever was in almost 4 years. We must've gotten to sleep at around 3:30-4ish and then I was up at 7:45... went down to Free Arts but the office wasn't open yet. Went down to campus to return my book for the next class I dropped. I guess I officially will graduate probably next fall ugh. 

There's something wrong with me... I actually sincerly like Tim as a person. I want to get to know him. I want to do nice things for him. I know he's leaving but he's fucking awesome. I really like spending time with him.. we have so many similar interests. I really want to learn how to ride a motorcycle now... or just get on the back of his. Something about him makes me feel more alive than I have ever been before. Every nerve ending is on fire with possibilities. I just am afraid its going to end too soon... 

busy week. bought a ticket to see the Deftones in October. Got hit on by a couple of new guys. Worked on projects at my internship, had a blast playing cards with my neighbors- I am learning to really appreciate small things like laughter. It adds up. Flirted with the main guy most of the week; went over Thursday morning and saw him.. brought breakfast.. the best part of morning sex is that its probably the most fun thing you'll do all morning.. went down to campus, they changed so much shit around.. got more money back than expected for my books. Dropped another class. Fuck it, I'm going to be stuck for another semester anyway. Wound up going to my internship early; everyone from the programs department was out of the office- I got to cut and prep materials for next week's Free Arts day. The entire development department came to the art room to eat lunch and I wound up impressing them, telling them what I really want to do with my career. The director is going to help me find out what happened to the reps from juve and why it isn't rolling forward. As I move into September I'm going to be really busy; I need to develop a survey so I can collect data.. there's a lot of work to do. I want to see if I can intern again in the Spring. I like being at the office so much. After that I flirted with my main guy, lets call him T. While he was in class I decided to work on a painting which came out pretty well considering I haven't painted or sketched in a while. I messed around, poking back and forth on facebook and then at 12:01 am I wrote to him and said I wanted to see him the next day. Literally I get a text at 12:01 am  (I guess we were writing to each other at the same time?) and he invited me over.. I went and it was like a fantasy coming true, as soon as I got there he was all over me, kissing me and pulling my clothes off. Lets just say it was nothing short of fucking amazing. We stayed up til something like 3am talking.. I snuck out at 6 am to get home early... played with the adorable baby cat.. drove home in a morning rainstorm and when I got out of my car there was a giant fucking rainbow in the sky. Spent the rest of the day working on school shit, flirting through texts, made cupcakes for the last day of the Professional Artist Series, Social Dance. Played cards with the guys upstairs. Talked to my ex who is deployed in Afghanistan... he gave me his credit card info so I can order shit for him and pretty things for myself for supporting him. That's kind of nice; he bought me my perfume and a necklace, can't really beat it... and I told him I'd do that shit for him anyway. I will always love him, he was my first love after all.

I got a Napster account-- and I remember being a kid and being so fucking amazed when I got to download Britney Spears off of Napster so this version of it 10+ years later blows my mind. Speaking of which, I've been listening to everything of everything, I really like this song:

Atmosphere, "Clay" -- the entire album is fucking awesome, its called Overcast!

When I first landed the damage was outlandish
anguish, anxiousness, and taking it for granted
but when I first landed I was so relieved I lost my focus
soon exceeded recommended dosages
now I hold the crib? that holds the soul that holds the poet skills
exlcusive it leaves illusions of unfocused flows
I don't suppose you're taking too much time
breaking too much mind trying to unravel the parable?
that dismantled and left the lines in need of some assembly
so I can find the secret key and free all the emcees
this planet spins on a thin axis
all axis passes won't help you to grasp the atmos'
I mean, what did you think
my agenda was to freestyle, smile, get paid to smoke weed,
and grab the mic and spoonfeed?
there's more to this than just paying the rent
if you're riding on this song you need to ride it to the end

[Chorus]
what could you say as the Earth gets further and further away?
planets as small as balls of clay (x4)

some shells get broke
some keep their wigs closed
some get exposed as little man big pose
some make moves and some stay daydreamers
but everbody seems to want some loot, food amd a beemer
well make mine hunter green with camel insides,
10 percent tints, Mr. Pibb and some french fries
inch by inch I take it closer to the shoulder
but day by day it's getting harder to stay sober
once again on the edge, head's inebriated
movement needs motive, it's easier to be sedated
what makes me mighty and another tiny?
why does my psyche give a damn about whether or not you like me?
if this crime's right I might be wrong
I grip this mic tight because it's all I really have a grip on
so let the losers lose and let the players play

the difference is the day to the dust some clay, what

[Chorus - 4X]

who's world is that? it ain't mine, and I'm grateful
already got a plate full of clay on my table
I'm capable of handling fate, I know this
so do the people that get pissed when this microphonist spits
too many get caught up in the lines that emcees thought up
but it's clear to me the ones that fear me are the one's that outta
I spot a blemish on your planet's existence
I deliver subtle terror submerged in clever sentences
instantly pissin? away the misfits
the only residue that came of the hypothecially spew they sprayed
when they swayed I'd have em
half of 'em can't fathom
where the 'Mats? from
I may be on those
you can ask 'em
at last, when we get down to it
there's more than sand and fluid
in how I revolve and evolve
can we solve the secrets? No.
can we take trinkets? No.
so when the ink hits it's more than just a sequenced flow
I can't bring you with me so I'm a leave me here
centuries from now they're gonna study Atmosphere
carefully I steer, I'm aware life is fatal
when I go, I wanna go like Ho, taken by the play-dough.

_______________________________________

ink stained fingers
careless, inspired and looking through tired
eyes that watch the words crystalize
the page takes on a life of itself
and its health is fading, fast
fuck the pieces of the past
she tried to rebuild
reconstruct, hoping it could last

(that was written by me. I wish I could add to it)

Wednesday: talked to a girl who screwed me over but wants to make up on facebook

Thursday: Partner Facility Conference with Free Arts @ the Jobbing.com arena. Met lots of people, was a hit- got brought on stage, etc

Friday: girl who screwed me over tells me about this awesome guy. I add him on facebook, hit on him and go over his house after playing cards with my friends. there's an instant chemistry and I wind up staying over. #17

He was fucking amazing. The kind of guy who is your fuck buddy but makes you feel like a princess.

Kept him up til 5am.

Went home, delt with drama from my own mama.

Saturday: that girl bitched about how the awesome guy couldn't hang out with her because he was "exhausted". Guess who exhausted him?

Grabbed a bottle of captain morgan and headed over. He bought dinner.

watched a zombie movie, talked and talked, drank.. established the fwb relationship as what we both want, had some awesome sex.. watched Inception... a monsoon hit, so intense rain, lightning and thunder. Oh and of course, his roommate has a cute little kitten. Tiny little white baby kitten named Mac. SO adorable. got my intense cute fix. The guy was so gentle and sweet about my shoulder, even was nice about me using Icy Hot.. and slept with me after, mentholated and all hahaha.

Sunday: woke him up early for more sex. went home-- a roommate of a friend's texts me. He wants to get some. We're in the same online class. We exchange texts and I warn him about the last guy. He doesn't care. We make plans for Tuesday.

Monday: woke up late, got to my hair appointment. its been one whole year of having extensions and they are worth every penny. the confidence boost is something I can't describe. I get home, my mom had callled the exterminator for a wasp's nest outside our door. He's a really hot, young guy with blue eyes that keeps checking me out. He gives me his cell number and I text him, ask him if he wants to grab a drink. Suddenly, he's super interested and also wants to sleep with me.

3 guys in like 4 days. Pretty crazy. I've never been single and enjoyed it. I guess tonight will be interesting.

In reality, I like the first guy and would rather just stick with him but I don't want to push him away- I really do not want a relationship at all but could totally be his friend, so I'm working on figuring out what the right signals are.

The most I could do was to just blame myself.

But I know you didn't mean it.

(remember more that you'd like to forget)

exactly.