got the majority of things straightened out

• I spent my last bit of money saved up for a bill on new clothes for my internship
• I got an email saying that they no longer want to persue bringing the program to the juvenile justice system
• Non-chalantly I was told that the entire basis of my internship which I busted my ass to get approved through ASU, dropped another class for and postponed my surgery for- is now non-existant.
• I'm going to have to drop the class and pray I can get another internship for next semester and a required class to replace the internship class, fast enough. The semester starts on the 19th.
• If I can't get another internship for the spring semester, I will not graduate on time.
• I am feeling absolutely hopeless.

That is all.

"What you know... you don't want to know, you're with stupid now"..

started my internship today. It went really well.

I cried on the drive home. Not being able to call him, or anyone really; not being excited to tell anyone how well I did- hurt so much. I miss him more and more. I want to shake this depression, it feels like a heavy skin I can't remove. 

"Fuck you and youre untouchable face and fuck you for existing in the first place. who am I, that I should be vying for your touch? who am I? I bet you can't even tell me that much".

I feel things I haven't ever really felt before. A wave of heaviness on my chest is a good way to describe it. My head keeps searching for comfort but winds up tracing back to things that are all connected to New York City. How can I survive this while I'm in Phoenix? Where can I get lost? Where can I lose this baggage?

I want to walk in the rain. I want to go home so badly. I want to be held. I want to rewind all the way to when I was sixteen years old. A rainy night in Brian's bedroom.

stood outside during a lightning storm for the last half hour (so went outside at about 1 am). The brown sky and grey clouds reminded me of so many storms I had seen at home in New York City.

And I am sixteen again, sitting ontop of a monkey-bar dome, looking for stars to spite the city lights. I am listening to a stranger's cd player and these words wrap around me like a blanket; we learn as we age, wait for nothing and my body still aches and they take because you give though I love you- and my body it leaks like a siv. I am letting go of the pain he caused me. I am understanding that life is a long road ahead of me. I am hoping for many more nights in this park and shortly I will get them. Warm spring nights in Union Square, watching skateboarders and breakdancers. I long for sixteen again.

But there I stood, on the platform between the second and third floor of my apartment, looking down at the beautiful pool. I remember when this place was just a vacation spot and visiting my mother was only for at most a week at a time. Now I've lived here for an entire year.

I am starting to make peace with being without him. I am starting to be at peace with who I have become and who I am working on becoming. I am slowly starting to understand that I need to find my own happiness before I can find someone to share this life with me. I am only 22, I still have a bright future ahead of me. I have felt like part of my entire being has been missing without him but I can see now that with him, I lose much more of myself than what I ache for now. I want love and lust; the ability to run my fingers through someone's hair, look into his eyes, kiss his lips; but it isn't him, its a fantasy. To run my fingers along his shoulders, to kiss his neck. To live in a big city near the ocean again, painting, writing, reading... this is all within my grasp if I give it the right amount of time. Everything is timing.

Everything changes.

Everything ends.

If I can make time to be outside at night, to stare at the jagged edges of small mountains against the horizon, to watch the palmtrees blow in the wind; I might be able to remember how I let go of so many boys before him- and the strength I know I have inside.

still feeling like shit and not quite knowing what to blog about.

I'm sitting here choking on an overflowing river of tears. I made my dreams come true but I have no one to share it with. I am absolutely alone in this world. There is not one person who cares enough about me and actually is able to help me through my surgery. Besides that, I am coming to realize that all of my accomplishments seem irrelevant. No one is proud of me. No one loves me. I abandoned the one person who loved me, even if it was just as a friend- enough to actually take care of me- and though he hit me, emotionally/physically abused me, I realized why I held on to him for so long; he was all I had. And though I am better off without him, the pain of being utterly alone feels worse than I could have ever imagined. My entire family is dead; and my mother is dead to me. This feeling of abandonment is like the wind has been knocked out of me, my stomach is turning and I feel hopeless. Absolutely hopeless. How am I ever going to be able to help the kids; help develop my program now that I will have the opportunity to make it happen; if I don't believe in myself, or my worth? How could I even make the slightest difference? I can't. 

If you haven't seen Inception, you should.

I am such a geek for the Matrix that I even played the online MMORPG and I have to agree with my friend Chris; Inception was better than the first Matrix movie.

woah.

I've finally earned back my full academic scholarship to ASU with extra grant money!! I'm finally feeling like my hard work paid off.

Possibility - Lykke Li

my heart is so broken its mangled; the pieces don't even fit together. 

my mother grabbed me by the throat just the way he did the first time he hit me. I'm falling to pieces inside. I need professional help and have to phrase it as such that my doctor rushes therapy for me, without institutionalizing me.

Which honestly, if it wasn't for everything else I have to do (school, take care of my mom, volunteer, etc) -- it doesn't sound so bad. 

I wish I didn't need to take any pills but sometimes the pain makes my eyes cross. My surgery will be in a month and maybe two weeks. I just need a few days to sleep. I've been sleeping 2 hours at a time at most, I'm barely eating... I'm just broken. Broken is the best way to verbally describe it.

And jumping to another guy; even for casual sex- is stupid. And I can't do it. I feel worse than worthless and its my own fault.

Dear Nana,

Am I really writing this to you? I am exhausted. I don't want to kill myself, I don't want to hurt myself, I'm not crying even-- I'm rather calm, I am so beyond frustrated with my life right now and it all leads back to you. 

Why'd you wish me on my mother?

I'd sincerely love to know.

- Katie