wake up to the song your ex sent you the lyrics to stuck in your head; its not even 6am but youre up to make lunch for the guy you keep pretending is your boyfriend but really isn't-- and if you didn't want him so fucking bad you'd have saved a lot of money on food, video games, new clothes; you wouldn't give a fuck. you'd be in the gym for yourself not because he woke your ass up- or wanted you to get up. now stand up for yourself, no forget it- take this lunch but I'm done all he offered me was pretend and I don't want to wait for you. I probably will but I don't fucking want to. I want a beginning now. I'm tired of the splinters from the last ending hurting so damn much.

(by the way according to my ex, T comes after the letter K in the fuck-you alphabet.)

you calm me
like morning rain you wash away the dust
the dirt from windy nights that turn to long hot days
encrusting my heart with pieces of the past

I want to love you; deeply- without words.  

I wake up with the feeling that I've been spinning out of control; but really, I just haven't been sleeping well. I miss you every day but its a feeling that can't be easily replaced. (Give me something to believe in) even if I am becoming more beautiful on the outside, its harder for people to understand me on the inside. (at night I've got no where to hide). I sat for a long time watching the sun set behind palm trees as the bugs devoured my legs, thinking about the years that have gone by in this fog. The kind of drugged, hazy, hurtful fog that makes my memory so thorny that even trying to remember it makes little drops of blood fall to the ground. How can I tell what is good or bad for me? 

I want a love like rain. Something that reminds me of the song, "My Love" by Sia. 

For some reason I have gotten really into the Twilight soundtracks and the scores. I really enjoy the classical music.

I want to fall in.. or feel.. real, beautiful, quiet love. The kind that needs no words, the kind that needs no abuse, no mistrust- things like strength, passion, beauty. Needing someone and have them sincerely needing me back. 

I beat myself up, I travel in circles, I break and try to jump back into cycles. This time it is over and the best thing I can take away from it is that I am better off.

It's as if there's a storm inside of my soul that has been calmed now. I am just waiting for the right person to walk along my shores.

(always been too scared and unprepared to let anybody get too close to me.. but when I met you right away I knew you would never ever hurt me)

you leaned with your body pressed up against mine, head resting on my knee as I ran my fingers through your hair. we both got sleepy and comfortable, our fingers sliding together. tangled up with you, your eyes closed tight- your breathing slowing... I begin to think you are the most beautiful person I have ever seen.

(when I look at you, I can't believe its true-- you're all I've ever dreamed of)

hazel green orange grey flashes back as you open your eyes slowly, parting your lips as a yawn escapes. a night of laughter becomes just what we both needed after a day of bullshit.

and I sit back to realize that this is all I ever really want to do-- just be myself, with you.

I should really start writing shit out before it creeps up on me like this. (there's a voice, there's a voice in my head... its rather soothing and it tells me that I'd be better off dead)

mom made it through her surgery remarkably. Because she is no longer in such insane amounts of pain she is back to being the mother I remember.

I've been growing out my nails for a month; the longest without fake ones on top of them, and I just bit them the fuck off.

I cut out all of the back up, fall back, piece of shit people that were in my life sucking everything out of me. 

Once again, to soften the blow, I have found a guy that I've started falling for in order to avoid what I went through with Lance. The funny part is, this guy is fucking amazing. And sexy. And smarter than smart. And lives in the room directly above my head. He wants nothing but the pleasure of my company. And I don't understand that. Because I've been forced to believe that I am worthless for the last four years I'm dumb and I try and push him away.

I don't want to.

My head hurts. My heart hurts. I want to write. I want to scream. I want to pull out my very, very expensive fake hair. 

"And my friend calls me up
With her heart heavy still
She says, "Andy, the doctors
Prescribed me the pills.
But I know I'm not crazy.
I just lost my will.
So why am I, why am I
Taking them still?"

I need something to believe in
A breath from the breathing
So write it down,
I don't think that I'll close my eyes
'Cause lately I'm not dreaming
So what's the point in sleeping?
It's just that at night,
I've got nowhere to hide" - Jack's Mannequin

fuck fuck fuck.

my mom's surgery is tomorrow... this is the first big thing in four years I am doing without Lance. Without a boyfriend. Without anyone, really... it hurts.

I have wished for you, for this for every single day of my life.

We laughed until our faces hurt and we were completely sober. We can talk about everything and anything. You're falling asleep in the apartment, in the bedroom directly above me right now.. and last night I fell asleep down here in your arms. Every day we see each other, stay up late, talk, eat dinner together, hold hands... each day it gets easier and harder. (can we pretend that airplanes in the nightsky are like shooting stars? I could really use a wish right now). 

When I came up afet it had been a few hours since we had seen each other, to see how happy you looked just to see me; your whole face lit up. your eyes were a vivid green hazel just like mine. hugs, kisses... slow... taking it slow has never been so hard and yet so good at the same time. 

(I know we can make it if we take it slow... let's take it easy, easy now...)

I am falling in love. a sincere, deep, unexpected, unexplainable connection is forming.

Um... what?

I have... MOONWALKER? Michael Jackson's genesis game.. and a NEW FLAT SCREEN? and the summer off? And am falling for the guy upstairs!?? hold the phone... no wait. Life is calling and I'm going to answer it!!!!

up all night talking to him.

established a sort of kind of relationship?

bliss.

sex-less but perfection

(so now I say the things I want to say; sometimes its better letting go this way- I'll always know down in my soul we really had so far to go, I've given all I've had to give and now its time for me to live. and I won't look back and I won't regret though it hurts like hell someday I will forget)

yes, I still wake up with the pain of not being with Lance.

so letting go is falling for the guy upstairs that is everything I ever (and never) knew I wanted in a person. And I'm fucking happy.

we saw each other... four times yesterday? we can't stop talking to each other. 

I keep telling myself (and my friends and my mom keep saying, take it slow. take it slow)

so I'll be a little whiny girl on here.