I started reading, "Chinese Takeout" by Arther Nersesian (the author of The Fuck-up... which I have not read, but it boldy proclaims this on the cover so I thought it was worth mentioning)

Reading about New York no longer makes me ache for those hazy days of my teenage years. There is a certain solice in reading about places I grew up treading through. Reading it has, however, made me want to work on some art after the day winds down. I've been waking up at 3, 4, 5am and being unable to fall asleep.. so I muster my way through my day and then crash at 10ish only to start all over again. Last night was the earliest- I was up at 3 and I paced back and forth... I popped two benadryl and a vicodin hoping they would lull me into sleep... and they did by 6am, where my mother knocked on my door to ask me whether or not I had fed the cats at 5:30, which I had.

I remember what it was like to explore myself and my own ideas. When listening to Ani Difranco was like having a story told to me that would reach inside my gut, grab on tight and twist until I remembered that I too really was alive and really might just experience that kind of vibrance one day.

Songs like "Both Hands" bring me back to rainy days in my Brooklyn bedroom where I'd toil with the idea that I could produce art with some sort of talent. I sold my pieces in New York City and Las Vegas, I guess that counts for something in this life. At minimum, a good memory and a couple of good stories.

"I'm recording our history on the bedroom wall and when we leave the landlord will come and paint over it all".

And he did, undoubtedly.

Two rainy weekends, a lot of personal reflection and a new road towards a better life.
I started a job as a caregiver for a 10 year old girl who has had over 50 surgeries, is Autistic and needs constant care. She can't feel a lot of physical pain so she walked around with a broken foot for a while. She chokes on her food, needs special meds and now is in heart failure. She also is on a behavior plan because she has been a danger to self/others- can be violent. all for $13.50 an hour. The first two days were hell but now the girls (her little sister spends a lot of time with us) and their mom are getting used to me.

I actually really like the little girl a lot. I hope when I have a daughter she is that little and cute and smart and pretty. I really like when she reads to me or tries new art projects with us. I guess its because of her age- she's 4 and its that age where they are still little but are starting to be more cognative. She constantly says, "hold me, Katie!" and the mom doesn't want her to be held like a baby but I can't help it. She's light enough for me to pick up and I want to hold her, I want to be mommy for a little while. I want to have tea parties and watch barbie movies and dress her up- she's little enough to fit into every costume at the Dollar Store (the only place mom can afford to take them for toys).
I'd spoil my daughter down to my last dollar to make her happy. I finally understand some of the things my mom did for me.

As far as Lance goes he's been acting like he was abducted by aliens and replaced with a kind, sweet, affectionate man. He calls or texts every day to tell me I'm beautiful, he misses me and things like that. I'm trying to take it slow and see if we can work toward the kind of happiness I deserve. I don't know if it can happen that way. It would be nice though..

I'm getting straight A's in my classes so far which is really nice. I'm really proud of myself because it isn't easy.
2 jobs, 6 classes and mentoring with the teenage boys.
I'm wonderwoman.

I am going away for a while
I'll be back don't try and follow me
I'll return as soon as possible
See I'm tryin' to find my place
It might not be here where I feel safe
We all learn to make mistakes,

And run from them
From them
With no direction
We'll run from them
From them
With no conviction

I'm just one of those ghosts
Traveling endlessly
Don't need no roads
In fact they follow me
And we just go in circles

Now I'm told that this is life
Pain is just a simple compromise
So we can we get what we want out of it
Someone care to classify
Broken hearts and twisted minds
So i can find, someone to rely on,

And run to them
to them
Full speed ahead
Oh you are not
Useless
We are just

Misguided ghosts
Traveling endlessly
The ones we trusted the most
Pushed us far away
And there's no one road
We should not be the same
I'm just a ghost
And still they echo me
They echo me in circles.

It hasnt all fallen to pieces, I'm just not being optimistic any more.

So, I hate Twilight. Granted, I'd like it if they stuck to traditional Vampire lore-- aka he doesnt glitter in the sun he bursts into motherfucking flames. Pattison is hot when he speaks naturally, with the English accent. Anyway.. its been all over Showtime this weekend and I've watched bits and pieces of it -- when it actually came out in 08 I was dragged to see it in theaters by my gay friend. Lance and I watched the 2nd one on the internet for the fuck of it. The music, however, is really getting to me. I downloaded the soundtrack to both movies and two Paramore albums. I like that Pattison wrote a few songs, totally doesnt sound like him on the album but it is... I love that he plays classical piano.

I'm frustrated with my mother. Beyond comparison of any other issues we have. If I could afford my own place I'd leave so fast her head would spin.

Of course, the bottom drops out.
Instead of the "I told you so"s that are coming... forget I mentioned it. I'm better off alone.
Screwed over by my one girl friend last weekend, my one guy friend here fall for me but isn't at all anyone I could ever be with even if I tried and is so bitter about that we will only be friends that we cant really talk the same way any more.

Juggling 3 jobs.

6 classes

mentoring

all moved in

could it be?
actual changes?

Roses for Valentines day with a balloon, a vase, a beautiful card and a gift certificate to take my mom out to dinner
texts and calls every day.
we're becoming partners
we're falling in love for real.

I'm going again next weekend.

please please let this stay.

Been having merry-go round fucking silly breakdown emotional nightmare days where fighting with my mother, a full class load, having to work but only getting 12 damn hours a week, mentoring, being a female, being injured, being the only damn person who can pack for my mother and I.. has really gotten to me. The stress is enough to have me vomiting for the last two days.. which is great in the sense that I've lost around 7lbs..but sucky that I've eaten 11 1/2 Saltine crackers in two days. I am supposed to finally see Jack's Mannequin on Saturday, but that is smack in the middle of our move so who knows if it will happen or if it will be another blown $20... I swear I get so sick thinking about wasted money.. but I guess it comes and goes. Off my fucking noodle last night I went for a drive and it seemed to push the logic button. I cut my wussy crying shit and just started breathing better. I understand that this is the point in life where I have to do this kinda thing alone... and it will make me a better person for it.

I've gotta go over to AT&T, put money on my new blackberry looking phone.. get hair dye, shower, go downtown for art supplies, make a lesson plan, pack for class and mentoring.. head to the boys and then go to class without getting lost this time.

Oh and of course, work for ChaCha. which I love by the way..

Life is a clusterfuck of lessons.

rough-ish day. vomiting and the like.

heartbroken mushy bullshit pmsy I want a boyfriend shit. time to miss the boy that was rude to you weekend before last. do everything for everyone else? Sure! until your body says cut this shit.

ugh

I had a good day.
To spite waking up having a hard time getting out of bed, mentoring was good. The boys reminded me how much I love art and how its okay to feel however I am feeling. When I came out of the group home there was the biggest rainbow I had ever seen in my life right above me, and the first time I saw one from end to end. it was beautiful.

class was a blast... we all added each other on facebook and got to know each other. I got to tell the class about visiting the CSI exhibit in Vegas. I got extra credit for it too. We got in a group and had a good time. Potential friends on the horizon..

I had a great talk with Kieth on the way home. He said I am now going to be his "sister from another mister" and that he wants me to bring by guys I might want to sleep with to meet him first to make sure they'd treat me right. He also invited me to check out the MMA class he coaches. He made me laugh, and in not so many words told me I was beautiful, and really was just really cool to talk to. Even if he was single I wouldn't go for it though; I need a non gay male friend to be that brotherly figure I never had. He is really attractive, far more so than his cousin.. and a valuable asset in the friend category.

for some reason I got really into reading Xanga tonight...

-shrug- time for bed.

I'm heart broken.

Not even playing with a puppy today soothed this..