I'm home sick for a life I can't have. I am yearning for the man that Lance will never be. I miss having my own apartment with my cat, Shmee. I have been in tears since I got home.. I don't understand why I couldn't have ASU, Free Arts, Old Navy and all the happiness of my life in Arizona with Lance and Shmee, too. I can't keep lying to myself thinking that things wouldve been better this way or that way because this is the way it is. End of story.

My heart hurts.

Having a great time in Vegas. Not making too many dumb choices.

Saw the Blue Man Group. Worth seeing before you die.

wanting to fall in love and be loved never gets me anywhere

to escape the drama and crappy shit in Phoenix, I am going to stay with Lance for a weekend.

talk about a dumb decision. Its time to get drunk and forget all the damn heart ache of the last few years.

(there is no perfect place, yes I know this is true.. I'm just learning how to smile, that's not easy to do)

I got a text from Ben saying that he is getting back with his ex that cheated on him and broke up with him 8 times.
He apologized for leading me on.

I'm pissed.

So tonight was even more fun than last night!

Kieth's (the guy I met who is going to be my escort to my car on Wednesday nights) cousin found me on facebook and told me that he could help me get what my mom needed. I went over to see him (all the way on the other side of Union Hills)- he was good looking, super intelligent, funny, witty, and a gentleman- opened doors for me and whatnot. We got along really well but I wasn't really attracted to him in that way. After we picked up what we needed, he invited me to his friend Justin's house. There I met Justin, his wife Sarah, Ben and David. Ben and David are in the band Rebel Yell. David is the drummer, Ben is the lead singer/guitarrist. Ben decided to sing a little while telling stories and HE IS SO GREAT. I blurted out, "you should SO go on American Idol because they wont expect you to be that freakin talented". Anyway... he made me laugh and we talked and just hit it off.. so I waited until everyone else left and the band was on a break then I went to leave and got his phone number. He was excited and asked for mine too and when I said we should do something, he said for sure.

and then as I started writing this he texted me saying how pretty I am!!!!!!!!!
and and I'm going to see him play again tomorrow
and and and and take him home!

so yesterday, the weather got so bad we had a tornado watch... then warning!
and I wound up closing with Kelly, Ana and Courtney and it was the most fun I have had in a long time at work. Everything was perfect and sized and no customers so...I got to ride around on a folding cart, swap stories of the weekend... and find the song that was driving me nuts! I had Kelly go in the office and skip songs on the music player until we found it. Google it, for some reason it makes me oddly happy. Mika- One Foot Boy.
The whole parking lot was flooded at home and work, there was an insane leak in the back room at work... it was a ton of fun.

just imagine me doing a little silly dance to the song when you play it.

I love that! When hearing a song for some reason you get retardedly happy. I might make a video to the song of my silly dancing hahahah.
happy happy Friday.

I wish I was closing with Kelly again tonight!

Dear Mother Nature,

Thank you for bringing the awesome storm to Phoenix right now. I have missed rain so much and it is such a pleasure to be able to cancel most of my day (except for work later and going out with the guys) to stay in bed and watch movies. The only crappy thing is that people in Arizona can't drive for shit to begin with so please do me a favor and wish me a little bit of extra luck when I do have to drive later.

Love your work!

- Katie

P.S. It is awesome that the temperature is so cold in comparison to the temp in the heated pool that steam is constantly rising from it... what a sweet view I have today!

class was great. met a guy (who has a girlfriend) but that lives on the West campus, which is by my side of town. I told him if he walks me to my car every week so I don't need to have a campus officer come as a safety escort to do so, that I'd drive him. We split the gas money and its win/win. Met another funny guy who loves the big bang theory as much as I do.. him and the other guy and I are going to form a group for the big project. The guy I drove home asked if I could drive his two roommates with him too. I did and they were hilarious, hot, shook my hand, gave me directions home and even texted me after to make sure I found my way. I'm going out with them tomorrow night. Came home, met up with Leanna, went to see Youth in Revolt. Funny, but not as funny as it seemed.

Life is beginning a new after a shitty weekend. I'm excited.

Two doctors appointments tomorrow, work 4-8 and out.. with the boys! OMG, right!? hahaha kidding.

wish me luck.

cynicism is something that looks good on no one, and yet anyone can wear it.
To quote the master or cynics, "You only live twice, after all, and the second time you've forgotten all the lessons of the first." (Drakonskyr 1/16/10)

I liked that.
I am getting very tired of my life. If anyone else can make it on their own, I should be able to as well. I'm tired of being alone but tired of the retards that roam the streets of the north Phoenix/Scottsdale area. I wonder if I should start going to local bars and just hanging out, waiting for something to happen.

I'm going to be twenty fucking two years old in March and I don't think I have much to show of it. I'm half way through my Bachelor's degree and I'm bitter as all hell because I already finished one. Oh well, I should have known better.
Or, at least that's what you're thinking at this point.

I'd love to just forget about this place, this life, this version of me.. its old, trying, annoying... my only escape is sifting my way through mediocre MTV books, smiling politely at customers in retail hell, and hoping the chemicals can burn off some of this excess.

What bothers me is to watch the show, Bridezillas- some of the most hideous, bitchy, angry women have men catering to everything they want AND are willing to marry these monsters. Unsettling how some people can just be so brow beaten by their mate that they go along with some of the most insane treatment.

I guess I was guilty of that at one point?

Currently started reading: Dogrun by Arthur Nersesian. And no, I haven't read his book, The Fuck-up, yet.

I feel like I am ready to rip through my insides and emerge a new, less delusional person... nothing I do can really make a difference in this cluster-fuck world. reality tastes like stale coffee with curdled milk.

So... I finished "My Friend Leonard" on Friday. What a fucking ending. I hate this feeling... the feeling that I really miss the book now that it is over. Friday night I found out my friend's boss liked me, kinda thought he was cute.. he started texting me. Went out with Leanna (yeah, I know, I should've stayed done with her after the work thing.. but because I didnt read on for the mess I fucking got into).. drove my car for no reason all the way out to Arrowhead at fucking 11:30 and of course, like I said the whole time we were gong there, everything was closed. We went into an Applebee's, sat down, ordered drinks that never came, left a dollar tip and turned around. Stopped at a Circle K so that I could buy her friend beer (wasn't thrilled about it) only to drive all the way back to his house (he lives down the block from me) and go back to my house.

Leanna slept over. I woke up to her next to me talking on one cell phone and texting on another. We hung out, fixed my blanket, watched a movie... then the stupidity began. She went to ride her horse at the horse lover's park down the street from my house, I ran errands with my mom (sling and all). Went and flirted with her boss a bit, wound up he just wanted to trash talk her with me.. meet up with the stupid guy from last night and Leanna at Desert Ridge (where we both work/ know mostly everyone) Eric says he can get something for my mom from a friend, I give him $60, he puts in his own $60. When the "friend" shows up, he doesnt get in the car- he leans in the motherfucking window and the guy grabs his money and drives away. Leanna and I get a front row view of the robbery.

Later...it turns out the kid that just got robbed just so happened to have stolen a hat from her job and the boss figured it out. She ducked into Hollister, leaving his drunk ass with me in the hat store with the boss, where he practically admitted he stole it.

I go home, pissed off. I'm out gas money and $60.

I decide I might go see her boss when he closes. An ex girlfriend shows up to the store at the last minute so we cancel plans. Leanna wants to make it all up to me by taking me out to dinner.

We go to Friday's. The waiter over hears her telling me that she told her boss I'm "a freak" then winks at me. He drops a drink, and stares at me the rest of the night until we need the check and he of course, disappears for 25 minutes.

Before going back to my house, she wants to stop to see her friend Keston. He wants to meet her at a park. It's cold out, but I had never been to a park in Arizona and wanted to swing after the shitty day.

We get there, meet him, he's funny and smart and not bad looking. I swing, they walk the edge of the park.. I start to get cold and walk across a dark field towards where they are so we can leave. Keston thinks its a bright idea to snatch Leanna's car keys and throw them into the dark field. My purse is in Leanna's car. Leanna did not have a spare set of keys, or even her cell phone with her.

We spend 45 minutes on our hands and knees in the cold, dark field looking for the keys. I verbally rip this kid a new asshole. I see two people appear on the playground. I run over, thinking that 2 more people looking might help. They agree and ask if the guy who threw the keys is Keston. I say yes. The two girls are his little sister and his ex girlfriend. They apologize profusely.

We find the keys. Leanna drives me home. I tell her not to stay over. I am furious as all hell. She leaves her purse in her car and comes up to pee.

She returns to find her truck broken into and her purse stolen.

Sunday.. I made sure to sleep the majority of the day and only spend 10 minutes talking to her.