I really dislike people.
And spending money.
And caring about people. Not all of these things interwined lately, but just for the record.

I want to find a good person; a friend or a boyfriend, who has some common interests and is for fuck's sake, intelligent to some degree.

I guess that is impossible to find in Arizona. I feel like the fates are saying, "you aren't really meant to stay here".

I'm tired of crawling back to that fuck. Even as a friend, he is horrible. I am going to practice forgetting about his existence.

I love reading books quickly. I love when the book surrounds me and I fall into the world that the writer has created for me, in my mind. I wish I had the ability to do it - I know I did once.. where it went, I couldn't tell you.

My hands are terribly cold. I want to learn how to use my sewing machine. Sometimes I miss things like having blue hair, the last cold day I spent in the city, the last cup of hot chocolate I had at Porto Rico in the Village. The last time I was at West 4th street, the grey New York City winter sky. (after writing this I immediately think of the song, "The Boxer" by Simon and Garfunkle.)

Sometimes I wonder if I will ever find someone who will get me. I ache for that sort of connection late at night. Numbing it out with chemicals never works.

I reach out, hoping maybe I can still salvage something from him. instead I get sarcastic remarks.

I walk alone.

I miss that the most about the city. The ability to just walk around my neighborhood. Short blocks, long blocks, places where I could melt into the background.
The Strand. The fucking Strand. A mile of books. I could walk around there for hours.
My heart aches for New York. For companionship. For art. For something more than silence.

so.. some things never change.
Leanna promised to cover my shift today- knowing that if she didnt show up I could lose my job. Knowing that I was only needing it covered to go to Free Arts mentor training. She physically came into Old Navy last night and told the manager she would cover my shift and what did she do? She didnt show up. I called her and she ignored my call. I had to rush from my mentoring to work and hear about it, plus get written up.

So, I'm done with her. And everyone.

I loved the book "A Million Little Pieces" By James Frey. I didn't really care that it wasn't 100% true. I really liked his style of writing, I liked the character he portrayed and I really liked the relationship between James and Lilly. For the longest time I felt like Josh and I were like James and Lilly; that special kind of love that came from an unexpected place, the kind that transcended time and distance. I ordered a few books for my break and they have all arrived in the mail. The first one I started reading is the second book by Frey, called "My Friend Leonard". What I dislike is that at the end of the first book, we find out what happens to Lilly... which I won't spoil here. This second book begins before anything happens with Lilly, and I am reminded of their love again.

My life is filled with anxiety lately. I always crawl back to my ex when I am feeling lonely or when things are hard to face alone. I really didn't want to do that again. I really wanted to finally put my foot down with myself and just not speak to him (Lance). I kept trying to make myself remember what it felt like to feel love from someone else, someone that treated me like a princess, someone that made me excited to be alive. I closed my eyes and thought hard and all I could see in my mind was Josh. I could hear his voice gently singing me to sleep. I remembered sitting on the patio under the stars, the overwhelmingly hot Arizona summer night made little beads of sweat trickle down my back. We shared my ear buds, listened to special songs on my ipod. He sang to me and I felt the kind of feeling I can hardly describe. I know we couldn't make it work right now, maybe ever... but all I wanted was to hear his voice on the phone. To talk to him about what was new in his life, to remember that love was still there-- even if it only existed in a small piece of his heart, and even if it was only as a friend.

I thought my heart was broken before... but now it feels like a part of me has died.

so... I really wish I wasnt going through all this shit alone.
but, really.. I'm not because Leanna is here.
and it is really nice to have a friend..

so, my friend Leanna and I have gotten close lately. It's nice to have a girlfriend again to do girly things with. We laugh a lot which is key... today she whipped my ass into shape at the gym, and will be doing so every day with me. I have a goal of 20lbs lost by Feb 10th-- no easy task. I also made an appointment to get my extensions redone by the professional who did them last time (next Friday), I plan to lay out in the sun... sorry guys, its 70 degrees here during the day. I hardly ever have to wear a jacket... anyway, besides all of our working out, Thursday I'm going with her up to her mom's house in Wickenburg (the tiny town I used to drive to going to and from Vegas). Her horse, Peanut, lives up there on their ranch and apparently she is amazing at horse showing. She showed me all of her awards and her silly black stetson hats... she is a new type of friend I really, sincerely appreciate.

I've been more depressed than I have let on for the last three weeks... and tonight she snapped me out of it. I'm already feeling so good from working out. It's time to be the beautiful girl I am on the inside, on the outside too.

GODDAMNIT mother fucking eeiofjweofne mmdoejlioaeg

I didnt mean to do that shit. Ugh...

this perfectly describes the general feeling of my life at the moment.

Barenaked Ladies - Pinch Me.

It's the perfect time of year
Somewhere far away from here
I feel fine enough, I guess
Considering everything's a mess.
There's a restaurant down the street
Where hungry people like to eat
I could walk, but I'll just drive
It's colder than it looks outside.

It's like a dream - you try to remember but it's gone, then ya
Try to scream but it only comes out as a yawn, when ya
Try to see the world beyond your front door.
Take your time the way I rhyme's gonna make you smile, when ya
Realize that a guy my size might take a while, just to
Try to figure out what all this is for.

It's the perfect time of day
To throw all your cares away
Put the sprinkler on the lawn
And run through with my gym shorts on.
Take a drink right from the hose
And change into some drier clothes
Climb the stairs up to my room
Sleep away the afternoon.

It's like a dream - you try to remember but it's gone, then ya
Try to scream but it only comes out as a yawn, when ya
Try to see the world beyond your front door.
Take your time the way I rhyme's gonna make you smile, when ya
Realize that a guy my size might take a while, just to
Try to figure out what all this is for.
Pinch Me
Pinch Me
Cos I'm still asleep.
Please God
Tell Me
That I'm still asleep

On an evening such as this (yo)
It's hard to tell if I exist
Pack the car and leave this town
who'll notice that I'm not around?
I could hide out under there
I just made you say 'underwear'
I could leave but I'll just stay
All my stuff's here anyway.

It's like a dream - you try to remember but it's gone, then ya
Try to scream but it only comes out as a yawn, when ya
Try to see the world beyond your front door.
Take your time cos the way I rhyme's gonna make you smile, when ya
Realize that a guy my size might take a while, just to
Try to figure out what all this is for.

work really sucked last night. I found out they cut some of the seasonal people -- they have not yet cut the bitch that ALWAYS bothers me, always calls out, needs shifts covered, etc. but they did, however, let go of my friend/favorite person to work with who always came in on time, always covered shifts, had her own damn transportation and worked hard on the job. I can't imagine how people make these kinds of business decisions. Regardless of who stays and who goes, I only got scheduled for 12 hours next week. The kicker is they gave me Tues/Wed/Thurs/Friday off, so theoretically I could be super excited because I don't have school either and that would mean freedom to travel. Oh no no no, life isn't that good to me. We don't get paid until Friday. I have no gas money to go anywhere. So I am stuck in my house all week. Hopefully the books I ordered will come in the mail.

When she doesn't ditch out on plans, Leanna is a really good friend. When we hang out we laugh our asses off.

My fingertips are cold.
I'm closing again tonight and the only good thing about that is the fact that I get to close with my most favorite manager, Kelly.

I keep picking up shifts so I can save as much money as possible to go away in February... on the 12th I have a ticket to see Jack's Mannequin in Vegas. I want to go to California after that and see Josh... which means getting my breaks done on my car, having gas money, having hotel money, etc.

I don't mind working a lot, it is actually flying by fast lately.
so even though I should have today and tomorrow off, both days I am working 3:30-10pm.

I feel like I have no one to talk to.

Driving to the store for my mother when I got up today was kind of a good thing- it gave me a chance to reflect. It was cool outside, the grass a really pretty shade of green.. everything was quiet. I listened to Motion City Soundtrack, "Last Night" and Brand New, "The Quiet things that no one ever knows". Each were perfect with my thought pattern.

This is a new year. I am not with Lance. I haven't spoken to Lance. I don't really think of him as often as I expected. Still, it hurts. I miss having someone. I know I'll get past it soon enough.

I woke up with this feeling that it is just easier to do what I am told or what needs to be done than huff and puff over it. Is that maturity knocking? I guess so. Instead of being pissed that my mother wouldn't go out and get what she needed for herself at any point today because she has the whole day off (and I have to work) I just went.
I cleaned up my living space because I had to.
I'm just moving through the motions it seems. Like the supreme disappointments of my life have washed over me, the way a Valium does, so that I am in a perpetual state of sedation and indifference.

"My body aches, it heaves, it shakes
All somersaults through so-called art
And I still don't know exactly who I am
I never will, amen."