exhausted.
the store was ripped apart last night.

a very good looking, sweet guy came by to see me last night too.. and after we hugged I smelled like him. And then I felt giggly like a school girl... when I got home, I wound up on the phone with my first real boyfriend ever until 3am (but I got home at 1am, so it wasn't that long haha) but we had some great conversation. Along with several of my close friends and people I work with, he helped me to realize that what I am doing with Lance is a complete and utter waste of my time. if he moves here, I will never get to live my life as a young adult. I need to be more assertive. I do it with the girls at work when they get bitchy to me (which is few and far between most days), and I am really happy there. this huge path lays ahead of me, and I feel like I have been too afraid to walk it alone. Most days I really do feel alone- sometimes friends (including ex's) are too busy for me and I want someone to sleep next to at night. I want someone to tell my fears to, someone to laugh with, someone to tell me that I'm going through shit that everyone goes through. Someone to remind me that the glass is always half full.

It's hard to believe that I've grown up so much. In March, I'll be 22... and I started this particular xanga in 2005.

I make my own big life decisions now... and moving to Arizona was the best choice I have made so far. I have had so many amazing experiences, and reached such a good place in my life. Do I want to sacrafice that for someone who has never proved that they are worth all this?

alright, kicked my final's asses.
worked yesterday and then went to Dave & Busters with my long time friend/brother type figure Victor. We bowled like 6 games and he kicked my ass, then we went upstairs and won more than 2,000 tickets and I got A GIANT PENGUIN.
got home late, played uno with my godparents any my mom, skyped with Josh and finalized (mostly) my plans to head to California next week for a much needed escape.
Is it weird that sometimes, when I need faith/hope/strength I look at my Michael Jackson poster, with his fedora flipped and sometimes.. talk to MJ about what's up. Not extensively, more of a, "Can you believe this!?" type.
It makes me feel better.
Oh, and I'm learning the dance moves to Bad Romance. Which is not easy when you have to break it down in a weird way from a slowed down music video. I made a facebook group called, "I would definitely bang Lady Gaga". join.

I hate to put it this way, but I am kinda happy all on my own.

so, I realized all of the beautiful, happy things I have right now in my life. I'm most likely going to make the dean's list, work going so well, Free Art's... getting thinner, doing more art, getting my shoulder looked at finally. I couldn't be more thankful.

so I made this ride grind to an immediate STOP once it started making me miserable.
And bam, 6 days until I find out the real truth.

Everclear- Songs from an American Movie, pt. 1.

but mostly, Lady Gaga has become an addiction. As well as working out/dancing to work out.
Oh, and staring at pics of her body... and Andrew Lee Potts aka Hatter from the Syfy special, Alice, which was AWESOME. if you haven't seen it, watch it.
reading Through the Looking Glass. Tried finishing The Lovely Bones before Friday, but fucking threw the book against the wall a couple of days ago.
Got a letter from Free Arts with the picture of me with the volunteers saying that I got 100% of all the children I worked with to say that they had a great time spending their day with me on their surveys, which was so awesome I teared up. I put it on my new cork board next to the hot pictures of the Hatter and the Gaga.
I saw Nick at his job today and he looked hot in his chef out fit. I went over his house to get something for my mom and I got to watch a music video of his. I am sort of regretting pushing away the hand of divine intervention by saying I'm not romantically interested in him. I've been caught up in a lot of good fantasies lately... especially ones of me looking stunning, beautiful, glittery, wearing a kind of Gaga-esque costume and dancing in heels. Which I kinda do sometimes, especially listening to Bad Romance. And I put on lip gloss, even though I'm all alone
I really like that song... and I want a leather studded kiss in the sand. I am sort of realizing this odd inner beauty that I have (and I think everyone has to a certain extent).
Mostly, I am having lots of sexual fantasies that involve guys in costumes. Like, I want to sleep with Andrew Lee Potts only if he is wearing the Mad Hatter Hat. I want to do things with Lady Gaga in any of her costumes... even though its rumored she's a hermaphrodite. I'd at minimum want to make out with her and touch her all over...
And then today, the chef out fit got me... and then when he showed me the music video of him and his band, and he was wearing a fedora and a trench coat... and all I could do was tap my fingers on the table nervously and smile while thinking, "I.. want ... you... now... on.... this ... table".
I might be going to California for Monday and Tuesday of next week. If the numbers work out...
(I want your horror, I want your design 'cause you're a criminal as long as your mine)
I want to have a split personality, where my secret identity gets me all dressed up and takes me out to bars and clubs and dances with sexy guys, doesn't even bother to learn their names and has hot, passionate sex with them.
And yet still, I haven't had sex with anyone but Lance in the last year and a half.
I want a video breaking down Gaga's dance moves for any of her songs. Time to google...
I've got class at 7:30 am to turn in a final paper and I am procrastinating sleeping.

I'm going to meet Frank Warren of Post Secret tomorrow and I am excited. Esp. since he answered my email. I've been back at work which has been insane the last few days. I had my first free arts day, volunteering with abused/foster children from group homes. We went to the Arizona Museum for Youth in Mesa, for the Pattern exhibit. I loved that the original exhibit was from the Brooklyn Children's Museum, one of my most favorite places as a child. Still, hanging out with the kids was a blast but it reminded me of what it was like to be institutionalized without a choice. It really broke my heart.

I'm a little tired of giving expected responces, pretending to like certain things, etc.

I'm having huge anxiety.
tomorrow is the year anniversary of my father's death... and my mother wants to go to the ER today.

ugh.

happy thanksgiving.
the nice thing is I get to continue my tradition with my mom of listening to Arlo Guthrie's Alice's Restaurant.
then its off to work. yep, I have to work from 12-7p today. And I have to be at work at 4:30am tomorrow. Luckily, its double time and a half pay and they are catering in lunch. Unlucky... its rock band contest day and I have to wear a fucking rock band t-shirt. I'm thinking the store is going to be really busy or not at all busy. We shall see.
Another good thing: mommy will make the turkey dinner in time for my arrival home this evening. Horray.

is it human nature?
we crawl back to comforting things, no matter how destructive that is. We cut ties with addictions and long for the high forever. We work long, hard hours at meaningless jobs to get by. "why does he do me that way?... tell 'em that its human nature".
Michael, I love you, but I wish I knew why.
I think that we should all be able to channel the spirit of Michael Jackson for ten minutes each and be able to talk to him/ask life's questions.

I'm werid.
and so very glad to be alone for a while.

I know I have said that I put a period. I know that I went back on my word. Tonight, I finally freed myself from my three year addiction to the guy that has emotionally/phyiscally/mentally been abusing me.
and I feel nothing but relieved.

Josh- I know youre angry but I know you'll understand some how.

life is too short to be frustrated, but I find there is always something to be frustrated over.
Been playing with a curling iron and my hair looks amazing. That's the only thing I kinda draw comfort from.

oh and of course, Michael <3 (Jackson)

I'm going to blame it on the boogie.