Flightless Bird, American Mouth

In the haze of a dream I stepped through the door and felt your eyes all over me, your hands gently reached for the curves of my body pulling me close to you. As we embraced I felt you take a deep breath, breathing me in, smelling my hair, tasting how nervous I was. As if it were our first time together, I felt the butterflies flittering in my stomach as you carefully took my hand and pulled away from me, green hazel orange eyes like mine looking past the surface. I felt naked as you placed that first kiss on my gently shaking lips. As our tongues tangled all of the words and the lies and the complications seemed to strip away, falling to the ground softly like the first snow. 

Leading me upstairs to your bedroom I felt the tiny empty space in my heart where you've been living, begin to fill and spill over. Your gentle touch surprised me, you were so loving with every precise movement. I asked you to dance with me and you smiled, this small understanding smile. [this is what it could've been like if you hadn't let it go] Once the dance began I was lost in a swimming pool of bliss, fighting my body and my brain, trying to remember who I was and where I was going. Suddenly after a swift turn you pulled me back towards you, a little piece of your long hair fell in front of your face and we both smiled. You ran your hand along my face and stopped all movement, saying, "I just want to enjoy this moment"

My heart felt like a balloon that had just swelled and bursted in the same moment. [Just for tonight, darling, let's get lost] When the song ended you laid your head on my chest, listening to my heart beating like a kick drum, rhythmically but with a slowing pace. I stroked your hair gently back and as I breathed in deep it felt like I could feel the oxygen in my lungs. I could feel every cell filling up, moving, working. I could tell you didn't want to move and neither did I, after a long while you kissed my stomach and looked at me again, body limp and strewn across your bed and with the most sincere smile, one more kiss before you stood up. 

Coming back to Earth we eventually returned to your bed, gently tracing our fingers along still exposed areas of our bodies. My chest still felt full enough to explode at any moment and I gathered myself to leave.

The rest of the day I swam in the memory of that morning. I day dreamed about the moment that the piece of hair fell forward in your face, the look in your eyes, the perfect movements. Loving motions. Static chaos.

[with you in my head]

Sticky sweet I found an opportunity to come back that night, and just as before we fell into each other quickly, this time more aggressively. All I can do is grin and smile at my dirty little secret, where was she? She was asleep, of course. It was all a dream.

And when I wake you aren't mine- though I never gave myself fully over to you I never expected this. 

Sylvia Plath, Lady Lazarus

Except I feel the way my tattoo expresses death; something beautiful metamorphasizing from another ending. When can I kill off the destructive girl that lives inside of me? [I rocked shut as a sea shell] Ghostly memories of years past slip into the forefront of my brain. Look at the way that little cat curls up into such a tight ball, covering her eyes with one perfectly white paw. Defining moments where I saw the fork in the road for what it was and dreamed of all each path could offer me- sometimes I feel as if the cards have been stacked from the start. There was never a right direction or a reward at the end. It would have turned out the way it turned out regardless of my choices- maybe not, maybe I feel that way as a sort of consolation prize to this monumental heart ache.

I've been searching for love for years, clinging to scraps thrown down at me like a dog pacing by the dinner table, watching everyone else around me eating until they are completely full but with pity they offer me a taste. I can recall certain events but never exactly how they felt. One of the last nights in his bed, with his blue ocean water eyes whispering I'm too broken to fix me, how could I ever fix you? The way it felt when our fingers intertwined. Further back I can't really remember all that much about the first time, my first love- only how dark the apartment was, how the windows faced the street, the way roaches crawled out of the cracks fearlessly. I remember clutching the sheets for my innocence, looking at the tiny blood stains that were the remains of my virginity as he left me there. I could hear the shower running faintly as the thunder overwhelmed the building. Just like when the train passed by, the slow shake shake shake, the big fat rain drops pelting the window and the frail roof. 

I've come so far, so many men, so many places but I still feel like the lost teenager wandering around Manhattan sometimes, trying to find myself. I can't find what I have been searching for within myself regardless of my physical location. Her voice soothes me [there is a charge for the eying of my scars] The past seems like a collage of blurred people and battle scars, empty rooms filled with people. Everyone wears a mask but when I put mine on, I become that person. Has my life here become a prison sentence? Doing time until I graduate, feeling less than inspired, or maybe being alone will make things bloom within my own garden because I will remember to water the plants. My mind won't be consumed with pleasing others but instead pleasing myself.

I am reminded of the apartment in Las Vegas, the last one I lived in with my mother there, the dark carpet, staring out my bedroom window. The painting of the tree. Trying to remember who I was back home, the empty blank feeling of starting over. Feeling the time slipping through my fingers. The infinite struggle for normalcy [nothing's real and nothing lasts] The underestimation of my own capabilities as an artist settles in, like kicking sand right near the shore, stirring up a cloud that settles slowly back down to where it came from but now in a new and different order. 

Who shaped this person that I've become? Did I let my year alone with him swimming through my head, whispering in my ear, shouting through the deafening silence- did I let him change the order or did I choose to hide behind the broken glass. How do I try to classify these feelings now? Searching for approval, affection from people who don't care or matter. Through quiet songs that remind me of what this life used to feel like? Sitting alone at a tiny man made pond under a tree, wishing for impossible things. What makes the tree different from the couch I sit at now?

the extreme psychological abuse has finally come to a stop between me and my now finally exboyfriend, Luke. 

http://www.invisionwellness.com/library/narcissism.pdf

it describes him (the narcissist) and me, the person in a relationship with a narcissist, to the point that it was scary. It took so much fighting, fear, pain, drama. Getting away from him was harder than getting away from Lance.  

Upon a recount, Luke was #26.

Austin was #27.

"Call me a safe bet, I'm betting I'm not..."

The people I love the most here in Phoenix are my mom, Isla and Drowsey. Yes, I included my cats. Everyone else is far away... (Josh come freakin visit. Kylie as soon as I have airfare I am coming home and to see you) 

"I know that you're a sucker for anything acoustic and when I say lets keep in touch I hope you know I mean I wish that you'd grow up"

Though I was immature in many ways I don't regret blowing up at my boyfriend. It was the most emotions I have had for him in a long time. I broke up with him and he apologized left and right, did me a pretty big favor including a financial one, and after thinking about it today I know I would miss him-- and his son, in my life. I told him we could watch the premiere of True Blood tomorrow night as we had planned and talk about things.

And today, I legit missed him. When he is good to me its better than I've ever been treated... except for by one person who refuses to give me another chance. Two different worlds though, and I get it.

I'm grasping at the straws of that friendship to get me by. Love is a drug and I'm sick and addicted.

I used to be able to write such good poetry...

Cat like eyes that shine like mine
in the searing hot Arizona sun
fingers intertwined
I'm killing time
between your bedsheets
and your bottom line
your hair so long and beautiful
nicer than mine, I stroke it carefully
trying to imagine what it might be like
feeling the soft skin of a female
kissing smooth curves
tasting fresh peaches in the afternoon
but I pretend I'll never go there again
to the corners of my mind
where fantasy comes alive

that sucked and got lesbian for a second. I don't know. Luke's hair is longer and thicker than mine and I get jealous. And sometimes I stroke it and imagine a woman. Especially if its the morning and he's face down asleep with his hair in a pony tail its easy to imagine someone else.

crazy
 

I've had my shoulder surgery and the concept of being off pain killers for good- really having no good reason to take them, is a pretty scary concept. They've been my saftey net since my grandparent's died.

Money is a problem but that is never new.

I am losing the spark in my current relationship. Not sure if one was ever there. I fought so long for things to get to this point and now I'm just bored. I want to fall in love. Movie magic and shit.

it never happens that way.

Dear Judas,

I am ready.

"I'm the Queen of my own compost heap-- but I'm getting used to the smell"

This weekend was nothing less than a train wreck. 

A drug using, gut wrenching, brand new ipod crushing, job losing, heart string ripping weekend. 

I'm tired of the person I've become. I'm tired of the person I've been pretending to be. I don't need any of this.

Laying in bed today with Luke and his son Jaden as they played xbox and we had pillow fights, I cheered on both teams and played on my ipod... that was the first time in years that I felt like I was in that warm family situation. It brought me this incredibly overwhelming peace, something I haven't felt since my grandparents died. Though I have felt out of place in two major cities in the last 5 years, in that moment I felt like I was exactly where I belonged. Slowing down was the best thing we ever did- and the fact that he let me restart, the fact that we've come this far--- means so much to me.

in front of his son today he called himself my boyfriend. I felt a tiny glimmer of hope.

But I can't let myself get there, can't let myself get happy when he said he doesn't want a serious relationship-- when he said he doesn't want the same things as me. I wish he did... I wish I even knew how he felt besides generally liking me, in other words is he feeling the same level of like? Are we doing well?

I'm not so sure... 

Come home to a horrible fight with my mother that rips me to shreds again. She texted me that she was feeling mushy and I said me too, and described the above scenario and said how much I missed my grandparents and having family time with them and her. She ignored that part and sarcastically wrote back, "well you have a perfect fit in family". She doesn't want me making connections here because she wants out of Arizona as soon as possible and is determined to drag me away from Phoenix with her, kicking and screaming if she has to. Don't get me wrong, I want to leave too- but I want to do it on my terms because I am an adult now and I also want to go to a city of my choosing, not hers simply because every place we have discussed we are unable to compromise. She took it as me saying that I wanted insta-family with Luke and Jaden and became a horrible cunt to me. I got home and she did the whole song and dance of "you can only use my car for work"... me: "But Luke lives 10 feet away from where I work. I'm not driving the car any extra..." her: "I don't care! I want to use the car on a whim if I want!"... me: "you're not even awake at 9 am when I get off work and usually see him... and on Friday nights he picks me up and brings me home Saturday mornings..." her, "You're running my car into the ground, it needs an oil change," me: "Luke got me a year's worth of oil changes, look at this gift certificate," her, "No fucking way I don't care if its free you're going to MY mechanic only at Midas," me: "The one who fucked over the Saturn?" her: "YOU fucked up the Saturn," (insert explanation of how the mechanic at Midas didn't check specifically what I asked and thus led to the bigger downfall of the car and then explaining we are 2,000 miles passed due and don't even have enough money for groceries to eat this weekend, a free oil change is what we need. She doesn't care. I knocked over her glass of seltzer into her lap for being childish and pushing my buttons on the day I was supposed to be feeling good about winning an award, more scholarship money and getting straight A's in my hardest class (tonight was the Scholar's Reception at ASU, but I didn't go because I didn't want to go alone/didn't have gas money/didn't have money to park) so since knocking over a non-sticky glass of bubbly water is so terrible, she came in my bedroom and threw my Kinect sensor across the room. Yep. My Kinect. I don't know if its okay. I don't have the heart to check it just yet.

She says our relationship is over... this time, I hope it is. I hope she leaves me alone and all we talk about is the car and bills. I'm tired of her presenting this false idea of family, this false kindness, lying to my face about compromises (Yes, of course I'll move to Portland... four weeks later, "There's no way I'm moving to the Pacific North West, its too much moisture for me to handle,") I'm tired of her acting like she is working on our relationship so then I put in the effort to be kinder to her and then she reaps the benefits until she's done, then she pulls shit like today and here we go again.

If God exists, please make a change. Give me the strength to make a change, or give her the strength to succeed in either her SSD case or getting a teaching job for the next school year. I can live in Jenny's living room if I needed to as long as I had a car, which means I need to start secretly saving up for my own car so I can get away from her completely.

Lots to think over.

Ani Difranco - Swan Dive

"I don't care if they eat me alive, I've got better things to do than survive,"

I've been living in the moments
Where grey days look like old photographs
Where sunny afternoons look like happy movies
Where the children play and run across the grass
And yell and scream and try to kick the ball hard
You've been splitting my days into little slides
Where the words of a song I heard years ago
Float up into my brain as I stare
Into those cat-like, changing eyes
You could be perfectly everything I've hoped for
or someone who I can make it work with for now
but when you sit on the edge of your bed
hair long, touching those shoulders that I line with kisses
I try to tell myself, "this time it'll be different".