Jesus Christ [brand new]

I can already forsee that this battle is going to be the same old shit, a war waged because there was nothing better for you to do and no one else to blame. Tooth and nail, let's drag this down and out again.

this problem's gonna last more than the weekend

and then it becomes a question of why would I subject myself to this? why would I put up with it?

Do I divide and fall apart?
Cause my pride is too sly to hold back all my dark
And the ship went down in sight of land
And at the gates does Thomas ask to see my hands

I know you'll come for the people like me
But we all got wood and nails
Tongue tied to a hating factory

it's like I've heard this song a thousand times and the words sink into me now. I feel like a pussy, its 72 degrees and windy and I'm cold. What happened to my New York City blood?

thinking back to those days.. coordinate brain to mouth and ask me what it's like to have myself so figured out... I wish I knew

All the things from back then fade into a dusty file cabinet in my brain. The more complicated issues I face today are abstract, and much less c-c-c-controversial.

I just wanna believe.

I should have just left things the way they were when we weren't talking.

(concentraited on falling apart)

motion city soundtrack overdose and I love it.
I have seen them 3 times, last time was the day after my 18th birthday... they gave me a birthday hoodie. and asked me my favorite food and then yelled "MAC AND CHEESE".

this plan is insane. you're going to hate me for it, but you'll understand one day. you and I are so perfect for each other, when we come together we spontaneously combust. (its the same old story line, this is my nursery rhyme) even if each kiss made the stars shoot across that perfect velvet night sky, you never could match your song to my lyrics. (outline of a story board with no ideas, head first in the shallow end)

(I'm getting better at fighting the future)

if I were to die before I turned 25, I would hope that 1. I would be creamated and 2. someone would play "only the good die young" as they scattered me.

random, I know.

I just had my music on shuffle, and I realized I really appreciate Billy Joel sometimes.

it still doesn't feel like october
but the sky here is clear at night
and I can see entire constellations
spelling out stories of mine
memories connected to pieces of space
burning through years to appear

I'm in a much more positive frame of mind. I am going to look at this time as a good thing, a time to evaluate who I am, what I like, what I want and need, what my goals are... I'm going to understand my strengths and work on improving my weaknesses.

Annie, I will make it.

thank you for your love and strength.

right now..

my self esteem sucks
my work schedule sucks
my sorority shit sucks
the people I began making friends with suck
some -- but not all, of the people I work with, suck
my will power sucks
my bank account sucks (yay -100+ and a hacked itunes account)
my car is on the sucky side
the ONE day I dont have school and/or work, I'm up at fucking 7am to start physical therapy. and I have no pain killers, no muscle relaxers, so this is also going to fucking suck.

I'm in a shitty mood. I'm really becoming resentful of the fact that the ocean is far away. I also am becoming more aware of how much people, in general, suck.

I'll be more positive soon, I'm just going to spend the next few weeks to myself... just working and going to class.
at least I have straight A's, or close to it.

I got the new postsecret book.... inside of my book was a secret (it happens to me every time I buy a new one) this time it said, "Don't take what people say too seriously, laugh a bit!".

I guess I will try to.

"we don't have to worry about tomorrow because we know its gonna come whether we want it to or not"

I'd do anything to laugh with you on my patio again, to have you sing to me and give me that smile that makes me melt faster than an ice cube during the Arizona summers.

Joshua, its time for you to let me visit.

you are worse than a ghost
as you come back to haunt me.
in the dark hallways of my mind
I have often prayed for your presence
and the result has been less than satisfying.

it is the most beautiful day I have ever seen in Arizona. It is a breezy 66 degrees, some nice fluffy white clouds in the sky and I don't have a damn thing I need to do until almost 6pm. I am excited to read, to write, to paint... to collect my thoughts.

I started today feeling depressed-- yesterday after school I sat for 3 hours at a quick care center just for the doctor to give me a script for 5, yes only 5- Xanax. I took one last night and slept for twelve hours straight. I woke up this morning still feeling sedated, lazy, woozy and depressed. Lance sent me some song by kid cudi that made me over the edge angry. Even though I was sedated I could have put my fist through a glass window. I screamed it out- at my mother, at my cats, at my goddamned broken lamp... and then finally screamed it out at Lance.

that's when I realized I have to sincerely just be finished with him. I thought we could be friends, I thought I could hold on to it all... but in the end it isn't worth it.

After a 5 hour energy shot I went to work and everyone at work actually put me in a great mood. Arafel, our store merchandiser was the LOD and her great mood rubbed off on me, which totally caught me off guard. I really like my job, I like helping people and being myself and being in my own element. Jenny also made me laugh and realize I'm not the only one in a lot of situations.

I came home and my mom had made me a great dinner- grilled chicken and lots of broccoli. We watched something together and then I went to the gym. Working out has not felt this good... ever I think. It was if all of my anger was being pushed out through me.

round the day out with some of the greatest friends and life is sweet.

have barely been able to eat... and now it took an hour and a half to fall asleep just to wake up 2 1/2 hrs later.

welcome to a brand new bout of depression.
hopefully, it will pass soon.

this is not what I needed right now.
I don't want to think about either of them.

I don't want to listen to these songs. I don't want to think of good memories or bad memories or anything... its my turn to go into shut down mode, but only for a few days since I can't afford much more.

(you can breathe now, you can breathe but the air is running out)

Actually, let's go for Jack's Mannequin, Cell Phone and Sleezy Wednesday.

fuck you, and your untouchable face. you were the perfect love. or maybe he was before the drugs? or the lies? what is worse? how many times can I let either person break my heart? how do I ignore feelings that rise in my throat?