Vegas was great, I won $320- covering my gas, the money I borrowed from my mom for the trip and leaving me up $120. Worked my ass off trying to run for pledge class president and didn't get any officer position. I felt completely out of place.. I knew I didn't belong in a sorority, but I can't back out now- Ive made at minimum 2 friends I'd like to keep for life and a bunch of people I'm glad to know. I cried all the way home from the meeting... If I would have just gone to ASU as planned in '06 I might have been in the pledge class with my new favorite person on the freakin planet and the whole thing would have been better.. can't take back my choices now. I feel like I've made stupid decisions at times -- but before I can finish typing that I am logical enough to step back and realize everyone does. Things happen they way they do for a reason and I am a firm believer in it. I hate doubting myself and my choices.

The AIDS Walk is this weekend. Please please please donate, even $5 http://www.aidswalk2009.org/W50572
I'm feeling crappy. I want to lay in bed all day (which thanks to six people wanting my shift for today at work, I am going to do, that and the homework I procrastinated which consists of like 5 journal entries and one paper. Time to put my nose to the grind for school work and hope that the rest of the OphiA meetings don't leave me feeling like a fish out of water again.

I havent written poetry or prose or collaged in a long time. I need to pull Katie back together again.

I haven't been back to Vegas since I really started my new life in Phoenix. I know this trip is different, this is me and my new girlfriend looking to dance and drink and have a blast for two nights. For some reason in my head is the song "Move Along" by the All American Rejects. I feel some sort of grief, something unexplainable. Listening to the words of this song I want to cry... Las Vegas is where I lost my grandparents, lost my self respect, lost so much of myself-- and not to the pretty lights and fast paced people on the strip. I barely ever was down by the strip, come to think of it.

Tomorrow morning I'm going to go visit my dad's ashes. I really would like to talk to him.

"When everything is wrong, we move along"...

And then to Josh:
not that he ever goes on Xanga any more..
you can't just call me when you want. either we are friends or we aren't. you gave me false hope and broke my heart, we're even by now.
if you dont want me in your life then okay. but you can't pick and choose when you answer me.

I'm a strong girl, I'll get past this.
Without being weak enough to make mistakes I will regret.

I GOT INVITED TO PLEDGE! I AM SO HAPPY

ophia!

Jack's Mannequin - Sleazy Wendesday

at least I have tonight to clear my head after work.

I feel numb, not in a way I used to enjoy. I can't get to you
I want you, or someone... or something to burn a hole in my heart already.
playing it safe, the same old shit just to hit a wall.. When I'm with him I might as well be with a ghost.
A ghost of who I used to be and really never quite want to be again.
I can make myself busy but I'm not happy. I'm happy to have friends, school and work and my potential sorority, the AIDS walk..

its my first day off my lexapro and it isn't the easiest.
basically, I have refills of the prescription -- in my mom's name. and they are $50 for 30 pills. can't afford it. my doctor won't write the script without me seeing a psych doc, and the waiting list is 4 months with my insurance.

songs bring up memories.. and I am remembering I want to feel something more than fucking miserable from someone I really care about.

sometimes, you just know . its like falling in love at first sight only completely not gay, and more meaningful.
I made a friend I'd like to keep for life. Well, that is my impression so far.

anyway... my stomach is super sore.
I'm pretty beat, so I called out of work and all I'll be doing today is a rush event... I'm getting a ride there and at least I know the sisters will let me sit any time I want and use the bathroom and I don't have to worry about impacting customer service..

well, folks.
almost a week after my surgery this I what I have to say..

it was nice to have Lance around... for a litte bit. And then I remembered why I left him. The idea of him coming in for a weekend was great, but thanks to my appendix we got to spend 10 days together.
Let's just say its going to be a long time before we see each other again.

sorority rush event last night was amazing (even though I'm sore)
work tomorrow and the finale of True Blood.

sweeeeeet!

having complications after surgery sucks

please donate to my aids walk fund

had to have emergency surgery to have my appendix removed.

this is the nicest hospital I've ever stayed in, I'm at the Mayo Clinic in Scottsdale, AZ.
Lance is sleeping on a pull out bed they have here, taking care of me since he was in town for a visit when this all occurred. Basically, I went to work at Old Navy, busted my ass and came home with the worst pain. All week apparently the infection had been building up. So glad to miss another week of classes.
I've got a flat screen TV, my own bathroom/nice shower.. free on demand movies and cable, AMAZING nurses, doctors and lab techs that are so gentle and caring. I went through the procedure apparently really well. They did it laproscopically or however it is spelled...and I get to go home tomorrow most likely (mean while I came in Sunday at 3:30 am, that's not bad at all, except I'll miss the morphine because THIS HURTS LIKE A BITCH)
oh and obviously, I have free wi-fi.

call if you like but my throat is killing from being intubated so... texting works, and is unlimited 702-375-3833 and yeah I know, I should get some damn hospital stocks at this point.. I can also skype from the hospital so let me know.

here's a pic of me post-op.

sucky.

http://www.aidswalk2009.org/W50572

please donate. in loving memory of Danny.