I sat out on my patio looking at the stars and our song came on. annie, I will make it and I realized that he will... no one everwill be able to make me feel what I felt sitting out there with you, sharing headphones as we each listened to half the sound of the song and half the sound of our own hushed voices singing along. it was still over a hundred degrees out and all we could see were Arizona stars. The second we said goodbye I missed you, but for the wrong reasons.

So I filled in the whole in my heart by using him again. This is going to be round two of empty affection that is just like a cocaine high; expensive, blissful and the kind of rush that ends too quickly for the price. No matter how many more lines you do, it doesn't really get much better, it plateaus into grasping at straws.

I'm building a myself a house of cards on a particularly windy afternoon.

(this mix could burn a whole in anyone but it was you I was thinking of.)

I can't get to you....

I don't know that I feel like sleeping or doing anything really besides letting my ipod remind me of things I'll never have again.

oh simple thing, where have you gone? I'm getting old and I need something to rely on...

more importantly... I'm getting tired and I need some where to beign

things are going so well... but I didn't realize how much I missed you.
I start to learn new people, find things that really catch my attention about them, the mysteries of someone else... someone else deep, funny, good looking, interested in me, interested in similiar music and movies and subjects.
this could be the end of everything

you want to be here with me, and I know I want to figure out what it is I'm going to do about you. Something wretching in my stomach is telling me I need to help you through this. I need to help you get some where.. even if it isnt with me.

This was easier when I didn't have such a recent memory of the smell of your skin... this was easier when I didn't think I'd ever see you again. When I never wanted to see you again.

I close my eyes and I can picture walking through the botanical garden's in Brooklyn... when I released butterflies with my first love. laying in the grass together. the way I thought love was like the stars, infinite and everlasting- constantly glittering in perfection, shifting with us as the Earth moved. I remember the way I used to dream about the future with a different perspective... sometimes it was bleak and narrow, sometimes it was nothing but flowers.

now I have no idea where I want to go, who I want to be, or who I want to be with.
I know I can let that slip to the back of my mind and focus on work, school, music, books, tv, movies... I just need to talk to you. The real you. The one I lost a long time ago.

How can I?

I now work at Old Navy.
I'm pledging a sorority. Omega Phi Alpha. It is a community service based sorority, not a social stupid pink fluffy kind. we clean up campuses. I knew it was for me when I saw the logo was a yellow rose... my Nana loved yellow roses.
I'm also the note taker for the disabled girl in my Western Civ class. I get a letter of reccomendation from the University for doing it. I really think she is sweet.
I've made a bunch of new friends, both at work and at school. I'm losing weight and happier than I've been in years.

I'm reading "The Lovely Bones" and it is very hard for me... mostly because I am coming to terms with my father's death in a new way.

Work is down the block from my house, on the other side of the freeway. Technically the same bus I use for school would take me there if I wanted to, so I don't particularly need my car all that much lately, though it is good to have.

It is really fucking nice to be able to buy things when I want/need them.
I have homework to do but I think I'll procrastinate most of it until Monday.
Depending on my work schedule, of course... and it pays well by the way. And I get a killer discount. Paid $3.99 for a sweet tube top and $7.99 for jeans today.

As for my wrist, I've yanked off my cast and said fuck it all. Fuck the stupid pain meds, I'd rather have a clear head.
Well... except for those rare occasions where I can enjoy a lemon drop martini, which is now my official favorite drink. I am really glad to spend this weekend in and going to work since next weekend I've got a new fling in the works, well... an old fling coming back to town again. (yes, so soon...) from Thursday to Tuesday... and my rush events and work and class. It will be a busy and amazing week.

Best part of my job by the way, besides the great things I have already mentioned: made new friends (I especially like Brittney and Abby and Brian and Terrie) but I also get to wear comfy jeans/casual clothes AND keep my piercings in.
Life is sweet.

I know you are reading this and it's fine. Just remember you let your problems ruin our friendship and I just don't have it in me to care. Every time you needed me emotionally, I was there... but it wasn't always in return and I can't be another person's doormat. Right now in my life, things are the way I want them. I don't answer to anyone. I do what I want when I want it with whoever I want and no one can say a damn thing.. not even my mother. And I like it that way.

when all you've gotta keep is strong, move along

I typed the text message before throwing the brand new phone across the room.
I know that even if I open it in five, ten, twenty minutes... there won't be an answer.

Now I'm on my own side
It's better than being on your side
It's my fault when you're blind
It's better that I see it through your eyes

Three bites of a buttercream cake I bought out of self-pity later, I'm moping on the couch in a puddle of regrets. I've replaced a 12 oz can of coke with a liter bottle of water. That doesn't particularly help the sudden rush of emotion.

Stab my back
It's better when I bleed for you
You walk on me
It never was enough to do

I should have faced this before the summer was over.

I potentially start a new job on Friday. Classes are busy as hell. Yesterday was my first day and it went alright. I'm feeling beautiful and apparently looking "better than anyone has seen me" in the last couple of years. Being happy on my own apparently shines through.

for me, it is harder to stop caring about someone.

but its time to put the final nail in the coffin and walk away.

http://mycrumpledpage.blogspot.com/

a new project of mine.

is it the summer sun
beating down on backs
that will hunch over keyboards
and notebooks, soon
wincing from a quiet pain
that is the price of writing,
which makes them scatter
like ants,
filtering under ground?

I waited for a tumble weed
to blow down the empty metropolitan streets
Saturday, almost seven at night,
but the sun still hung desperately
behind swelling clouds
which kissed the air with sticky humidity.

and this is starting to feel comfortable
still nothing feels much like home.
and the odds are always stacking up, kid,
higher and higher against us,
the table said the pay out was 5 to 1
but the pieces were already laid out,
each card in place,
the house always wins.

chapped lips but school slips on like a glove,
or a condom when the mood was just right;
smoothly, qucikly, without a hitch.
but will it break and leave me limited
with choices no one wants to make?
or will it be one good lay,
that gives me everything I need
and doesn't bother me for much down the line?

it's too bad the carnival was a bust.

I took the plunge! Got extensions and I feel BEAUTIFUL!!!!!!

I'm scared.
everything worked out- got residency, won my financial aide appeal... got my books, got money in time for school, got my transportation in order.
I'm scared out of my mind.

ASU is huge, has so many events and everyone has school spirit.

what defines beauty? will it be 10, 20, 30 pounds less? 7,8,9 inches more of hair? longer nails? a plastic smile?

"Being beautiful is like having a rent controlled apartment (in NYC) over looking the park; completely unfair and usually bestowed upon those that deserve it the least" - Carrie from Sex in the City.